


One Time

by slinkinginshadows



Category: Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Emetophobia, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Mpreg, Possessive Behavior, Pregnant Sex, minor dubcon, some gore
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:08:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 19,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27385483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slinkinginshadows/pseuds/slinkinginshadows
Summary: Flipping positions justoncehas... interesting consequences.
Relationships: Blitzo/Stolas (Helluva Boss)
Comments: 137
Kudos: 608





	1. The Test

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said when I entered this fandom that I was going to make ridiculous shit that nobody else wanted, and I aim to deliver. This was my first time writing the HB crew but I thought it came out fun enough to drop over here.

“Are you _fucking_ kidding me?” 

“Well, sir, you _have_ been with his highness several times in the past-” Moxxie started.

“Yeah, well, usually he wanted _me_ railing _him,_ Moxx! The _one time_ he says he wants to play pitcher, _this_ bullshit happens!” Blitzo jabbed a finger against the side of his stomach. His very slightly swollen stomach. “What are the goddamn odds?”

“Apparently high,” Millie said, tilting her head as if it would give her a better look as Blitzo started pacing. “I would guess it’s got something to do with him being a Goetic prince.”

“Well, if I go over to Daisy’s, she can get rid of it before he even finds out.” Blitzo’s boots clicked on the floor as he went back and forth. “I’m not letting his little bird-dick parasite take itself up rent-free in _my_ body.”

“If that’s what you want.” Millie shrugged. Moxxie watched as Blitzo’s fingers curled around the lower button on his coat.

“I would hurry. He’s _going_ to find out the longer you wait.”

“Yeah, yeah, keeps your tits on, Moxxie, we fucked three weeks ago, he’s not going to-”

There were three knocks on the door. “Oh, Blitzy~”

“-Oh, fuck me.” Blitzo lunged for the pregnancy test just as the door opened. 

Stolas blinked. Blitzo tried to stuff the test into his pocket, but the grin spreading across the bird-demon’s beak said he hadn’t made it in time.

“Hey, Stolas.”

“Is there something you’d like to tell me?”

“That I want you to wait for the all-clear when you knock before coming in? Seriously. Rude.” Blitzo cocked an eyebrow, but Stolas crossed the room in a few effortless strides before plucking the test out of Blitzo’s pocket and waving it in front of his face.

“I mean this. If it belonged to your companions, you wouldn’t have tried to hide it from me.”

“Oh, that. Yeah, I’ve got a mistress. Super hot. Massive rack the size of my head.” Blitzo made an exaggerated rounded motion over his chest with his hands, but in the process arched his back and made the bump stick out, and Stolas’s free hand dropped to it.

“Hmm… I don’t think so.”

Blitzo’s shoulders drooped. “Look, I was _just_ on my way to get rid of- yipe!” Stolas scooped him up, bouncing the imp in his arms for a moment. Millie muffled a laugh, and Blitzo turned to glare at her before Stolas spoke. 

“You’ll do no such thing! Do you know how rare it is for imps and royalty to be compatible enough to breed?”

“Well, lucky me. Can I go now?”

Stolas’s hand soothed over Blitzo’s stomach. “I have a counteroffer instead. You keep the little miracle, and I give you whatever you want within reason for the next few months.”

“Nope. My body, my-”

“I could find you another Spindle.” 

Blitzo froze. “You-”

“Or repair the damage to the office.” Stolas looked around the room, sniffing slightly. “You do seem to get things set on fire a lot. That can’t be cheap.”

Blitzo huffed. Not _his_ fault shit kept going wrong. “So… anything.”

“Anything within reason. And I can bend reason _quite_ far, if I have a good enough prerogative.” 

Blitzo’s tail curled up around Stolas’s arm, almost without thinking, as his eyes wandered around the office. It _did_ need work. And it _had_ been a bitch and a half to find Spindle, so if there was anyone who could get him a new horse, it was Stolas. The little doll in his pocket wasn't as nice as the real thing had been.

“How long are demon pregnancies anyway?” 

“Six months,” Moxxie piped in. “But sir, there’s still-”

“Alright, gimme a day or two to think about it,” Blitzo said, tapping the end of his tail on Stolas’s wrist to get him to let him down. “But you’d _better_ come through on that, got it?”

Stolas squeezed him in a hug before letting him down, dusting off his shoulders. “When have I ever not, Blitzy?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Hazbin/HB tumblr blog is [hazbincalifornia](https://hazbincalifornia.tumblr.com/tagged/daddy-blitzo/chrono) if you wanna see the other stuff about this au. Comments appreciated but insults or whatever are getting slam-dunked directly in the trash.


	2. Choice

“This is a big choice to make,” Millie said, leaning her elbows on the table. “Try to think with a clear head.”

“When has he _ever_ done that?” Moxxie muttered.

“I’ve thought through _plenty_ of things,don’t be such a downer, Moxx.” Blitzo rolled his eyes. “Okay, so we’ve got two choices here.” He held his hand up and flicked up his fingers as he spoke. “Keep it or no. I get lots of cool shit if I _do_ keep it, but Stolas is going to be up my ass even _more_ than usual.” He'd left already, telling Blitzo to come with an answer tomorrow.

“You _also_ have to deal with being pregnant,” Moxxie pointed out. 

Loona tapped something out on her phone before looking up at Blitzo. “If you turn into even more of a little bitch around the house, count me out of this.”

“You’re all _so_ supportive!” Blitzo’s tail snapped irritably in midair. He’d taken up pacing again, scratching his middle. “It can’t be _that_ bad, right? People do this all the time, it’s how any of us even exist.”

“Yeah, but-”

“And Stolas seems weirdly invested in this already for someone who found out twenty minutes ago.” Blitzo mumbled, more to himself than anything.

__________

“The Grimoire is not a toy, as you well know, darling.” 

They’d been settled in the office, with a door between them and the other IMP employees. Even when Blitzo was sitting on top of the desk, Stolas towered over him- whether it was his stilt legs or the fact that he looked stretched like silly putty, it meant Blitzo had to spend half the conversation staring up. Considering their liaisons usually took place on top of a bed or a couch and he was usually the one on top, he sometimes forgot just how _big_ the gangly bastard was.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Don’t touch it with cheese puff fingers, don’t handle it while drunk, blah, blah, blah. You’ve given me the spiel before.” Blitzo waved a hand, but Stolas grabbed it, intertwining their fingers, and a pulse of warm magic traveled down his arm, churning in the base of his belly. It glowed for a moment before fading.

“Mmm, yes, there is all of that, but it’s also _mine._ ”

Blitzo raised an eyebrow. “Uh… huh. I know that too. We had a deal.”

“It was always an informal verbal agreement. I have a _new_ idea.” Stolas’s dainty fingers pulled back from Blitzo’s. “If you wish to withdraw from our current arrangement, then if you keep the child, I’ll come by to pick the book up once a month by myself. You won’t have to come to me for the next six months unless _you_ wish to.”

Blitzo blinked. “So… I don’t have to be your fucktoy for half a year?”

“Unless you get lonely and _want_ to come to me,” Stolas said, “but yes.” His eyes narrowed a bit as he grinned. Blitzo knew that expression well, but couldn’t put a pin on why it was suddenly unsettling.

“What’s the catch?”

“No catch.” Stolas bent forward, spindly fingers tap-tapping on top of the tiny bump. It was barely visible under the coat, but then Stolas popped open the lower button, and Blitzo grimaced. Geez, he looked kinda fat from this angle now. “I’ll get my entertainment through a different avenue, and I know that the glow would suit you. We could work out the details later. Unless you’d prefer to come on the full moons? Whichever way, we can both get what we want.” 

__________

“Pros: He basically agreed to give me whatever I want. I’d be an idiot to turn it down.”

“You’d be an idiot to not _think_ about this mo-”

“Up-up-up.” Blitzo pointed a whiteboard marker at Moxxie, and Millie patted his shoulder. “I’m talking. As I was _saying,_ pros include getting whatever I want, not having to worry too much about work for almost half a year, maybe we can get some half-decent advertising out there…” And Stolas would let him out of their little side-deal that he hadn’t exactly told anyone else about yet.

“Cons: Do you really want to be even _more_ hormonal?” Loona blew a bubble of gum before popping it. Blitzo crossed his arms.

“Real helpful. It’s really coming from all sides today, huh?”

“I think it’s kinda sweet,” Millie said. “I mean, obviously you’re gonna wanna be careful, he’s a prince after all, but he mostly _does_ seem to mean well around you.”

“ _Thank_ you!” Blitzo rolled his hand in the air before giving a bow of his head towards Millie. “At least _someone’s_ trying to be objective about this.”

“Objective doesn’t just mean agreeing with you, sir.”

“I’m the boss so I say it does.” He scratched the side of his hip. “Anywaaay, I’m leaning towards keeping it.”

Moxxie threw up his arms. “If you’re not even going to listen, why bother asking us to stay for this?”

“I’m _this_ close to giving your wife employee of the month,” Blitzo threatened, and Moxxie grumbled to himself as he sunk down in his chair. “And I figured it involved everyone if it could benefit all of us. I’m being a nice guy here!”

“It’s your choice, Blitzo,” Millie said. “I’d just be ready for whatever happens either way, y’know?”

He smirked, thumping his side. “C’mon. It’s six months. How bad can it be?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: Yeah, I'm not going to upload potential future chapters to tumblr because they're not going to make a lot of sense out of context of the emotional arc, but I'm still going to keep talking casually about the non-spoilery stuff over there.
> 
> I'm also knocking the rating up to E because I have _plans._
> 
> Comments and kudos appreciated!


	3. Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A deal is struck.

“I’ll do it.” Blitzo had made his way to the mansion the next day, and Stolas had barely gotten through the door to welcome him in when he laid his cards out. “I do however have a few conditions.”

“Oh, you will?” Stolas scooped Blitzo up, smushing the imp’s cheek against his chest. “That’s _wonderful!_ This is going to be so much fun!”

“Hey, don’t you wanna hear what I was going to ask about? Let go, you overgrown pigeon!” He squirmed, but it was another good ten seconds before he was set back on his feet, Stolas brushing off his shoulders.

“Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s fine. Pleasure before business.” 

“Oh, no. You already said that I-”

Stolas chuckled. “Not _that_ kind of pleasure. I keep my word, Blitzy, you know that. I simply meant tea and cookies.” He pulled his cape tightly around him and turned, forcing Blitzo to follow him as he headed back to his room.

“Do you normally have tea in your room? I’d think in a place like this you’d have a whole room for fancy-schmancy shit like that.”

“Oh, I do. My wife is in today, though, so my room it is.”

“Ah.” Blitzo flinched- he could still feel her talons against his side as he’d had to scramble away that first afternoon and idly scratched at the scars. “Makes sense.” 

The portraits on the wall were as tall as Blitzo himself, and he stuck his tongue out at a particularly ugly one. That’d teach them to be terrible interior decorations. Pricks. Most of them looked like they overdosed on hair gel and their lacy collars were choking them anyway, he’d hate living in a place like this.

Soon enough, though, they made it to the sofa in Stolas’s room, and the servant had served them both a cup of tea and a... chocolate chip cookie. Huh. Blitzo’d kind of of figured he meant dry biscuit or something, it was nice that it was a real cookie. He stuffed half of it in his mouth, licking crumbs off of his fingers, and a couple of them ended up in the cup along with the three cubes of sugar he’d added. “Whoever does your food makes bomb-ass cookies.”

“Hm? Oh, yes! She was a top-tier chef back on Earth, I’m told, and she’s more than proved herself here.” Stolas took a sip of his tea. “I enjoy having damned souls work for me- they can tell _such_ interesting stories, don’t you agree?”

“Well, most of the time when we actually get into conversations aside from how terrible the weather is, they’ve got some kind of sob story that brings ‘em to IMP’s doorstep, so I can’t argue with that.” Blitzo shrugged. “Humans are messy bitches, but they’re entertaining and their grudges against each other keep the lights on- half the reason I like my job is seeing just how many ways they can hate each other.”

Stolas nodded. “Well, I have a slightly longer-lasting relationship to the ones that end up in my employ, but you understand.” He set the cup on the saucer before placing it on the table. “Now, you said that you had some conditions?”

“Where was it...” Blitzo rummaged around in his coat. Moxxie had insisted that he write it all down. “Come on... ah!” Triumphantly, he produced a hot-pink sticky note and cleared his throat. “Okay. First off: If this affects my ability to do my job, you’ll give me a.... shit, Millie wrote that.” He squinted. “Stay-paynd? Spip-”

“Stipend?” Stolas supplied, bemused.

“Yeah, that sounds right. It was a paycheck so I don’t end up losing out on rent or anything, and I refuse to get thrown out on my ass because of your little spawn.”

“Done. I was planning to suggest that myself, in fact.” Stolas settled back on the cushion. “Anything else?”

“Nobody knows that I don’t tell myself. I have a reputation, you know!”

“I _will_ tell Octavia at some point,” Stolas countered. “She’ll deserve to know and I have no intent to keep her from her little sibling if she wishes to have a relationship with them. _Your_ daughter already knows, after all.”

Blitzo’s mouth twitched before sighing. “Fine. You can tell _her,_ but that’s it.”

“I flirt with ruin of my reputation merely by engaging with you the way that I do and letting you on so loose a leash, so that serves me perfectly fine.”

Ugh, ‘leash’ just reminded him of the job that took them near a human animal containment building last month. It took him days to wash off all the slobber. “I want your word that you won’t leave me out to dry with this- if I’m doing this, you _better_ not just ditch halfway through. I’m not fucking around, Stolas.”

Stolas’s face wrinkled in irritation. “You really think so little of me?”

“Look, Moxx insisted that if I’m going through with this that we shake on that one.” He held out his hand. “Swear to me that whatever happens the next.. well, not six because it was a couple of weeks ago... five and a _half_ months, you’re not going to abandon me, because I _will_ get rid of it in some horrible way and drop the pile of meat and feathers on your doorstep. I’m keeping this little freak only for as long as _you_ agree to help with it. Got it?”

Stolas’s hand glowed as he took it, shaking firmly, and Blitzo felt the magic of a binding deal coursing through where their palms and fingers touched.

“We have a deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't expect any sort of consistent update schedule, I'm in college and pretty busy, but I'm still pumped about this and already made a list of moments I want to tackle! I also don't bite if you wanna hit me up on [tumblr](https://hazbincalifornia.tumblr.com/), you can ask questions without an account if you like.
> 
> Comments and kudos super appreciated, thank you so much for getting up over 100 kudos already!


	4. Something Very Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few moments of reflection.

Blitzo prodded at his stomach in front of the full-length mirror in his room while wearing only his pants. It was a bit more obvious without a shirt and coat on that there was a slight bump, especially considering his slender physique. It had been a few hours since the visit with Stolas, and he could still almost feel the owl-demon’s hand against him. 

Before leaving, Stolas had insisting on getting to feel his stomach again- it wasn’t sexual, as promised, but it made Blitzo shiver, the gentle way Stolas moved his fingertips over the skin and how he cooed with his eyes glowing brighter than usual.

_“They’ll be perfect. I’m so glad you decided to keep them. This will all be worth it, Blitzy- you’re doing something very special.”_

He was almost a month through, and there hadn’t been any _real_ side effects yet. None that he’d actively noticed, anyway- he’d been a bit queasy while drinking coffee a time or two and had puked in the bushes on the way home from the bar after work once, but that could have just been the cheap, shitty booze and the fact that he’d been more ‘spinning’ than ‘dancing’ by the end of the night. Loona had pretty much dragged him back to the apartment when he almost passed out anyway- not his fault that the snacks weren’t good enough to waste money on so he ended up drunk way too fast. Ugh, he'd probably have to drop drinking, wouldn't he? Greeeeeeat.

In the other room, Loona was listening to some punk band he couldn’t recognize. He liked the fast, loud sound it had to it though, all the lyrics fuzzed through the walls so it was just the beat. Blitzo drummed his fingers over the bump.

“You’d _better_ not be any trouble, you hear me? The most I want to deal with is people calling me fat or some shit. Maybe I can get something tailored? Might have to ask Stolas about that. I’d hate to be just popping out of everything in my wardrobe, I’ve got too good of a sense of fashion for that and I can’t deny the world me at my best.” He’d need to make a list of things he wanted before but hadn’t been willing to push his luck with Stolas on.

Actually, now that he thought of it... he’d _been_ kind of pushing his luck the last few days, hadn’t he? He’d even insulted Stolas to his face earlier, but the owl had barely even flinched, too swept up in the fact that Blitzo was agreeing to keep the baby. If it meant he could loosen his lips a little outside of the bedroom, Blitzo’d count this as a double success for a while. Maybe that was another side effect- hormones? The inhibitions to not tiptoe around the dude who knocked you up? The one who knocked you up being more lenient himself? Who fuckin’ knew! He’d never exactly asked Mom about what it was like having him and his sisters, he figured nobody who wasn't about to have kids did shit like that who _wasn't_ a pervert.

Blitzo’d been playing ball with Stolas for... geez, at _least_ six monthsat this point? He’d never written it down or anything. It always felt like pins and needles until he either said some dumbshit thing Stolas didn’t find funny that he had to fumble over a half-assed apology for, or Stolas just started getting raunchy right in the middle of the calls he insisted on at least twice a week. At least when the guy got started, most of the time he just burnt himself out with an occasional ‘mhm’ or ‘oh yeah’ from Blitzo, who was getting pretty good at tuning it out. Horny bastard was probably jacking off during half of them too, from the squelches and moaning noises. Weirdo. It was like he didn’t know about porn or something.

But! But, he’d offered to leave actual sex off the table for five full months with the baby thing. It really said how much he wanted this, and it _also_ said that Blitzo was probably going to be able to get away with a lot more than usual if Stolas was willing to forgo their ‘fornication’ (seriously, who _used_ words like that, just say ‘fucking’ like a normal person) for the entire time. Maybe Blitzo could actually get lucky with someone else for once, if he wanted to.

“What do _you_ think about all of this? I figure the weight will be worth not having to worry about him just scooping me up and running off during work hours. And that’s on top of actually having some _real_ good stuff out of our little relationship besides him just _not_ taking the book back.” He paused. “And the sex when we get around to it. That’s usually pretty good.” He turned to Spirit Jr, who was propped up on the bed. The stuffed horse just stared up at him, but he felt fairly sure that the emotion given off was approval. “Very helpful. Thank you.”

“Yo, Blitzo.” Loona rapped her knuckles on the doorframe before pushing the door open, and grimaced before slamming it shut again. “Geez, get dressed first!”

“I’m in my room, just _ask_ first!” He tugged a hoodie on, the oversized fabric completely smothering his frame when he looked down before opening the door again, meeting her eyes. “What is it, honey?”

“Just making sure you were still keeping it.” She held up her phone. “Millie asked and the notifications are getting annoying.”

Blitzo squinted at the screen, and could see that Millie had sent a picture of Moxxie pacing with his fingers laced behind his back.

“Geez, he’s acting like it’s _his_ baby or something. Priss. Yeah, I’m keeping it.” He rubbed an idle circle over the pocket of the hoodie, fingers criss-crossing a star on the inside of it. Of course, it didn’t have much power without the book in the other room.

“ _I_ know, just making sure you weren’t changing your mind and trying to cut it out in there.” She raised an eyebrow. “I’m only asking because this was the fourth text and she was worried you’d done something stupid. Did you check your phone?”

“Yeah, of course!” He blinked before heading back to where he’d hung up his coat, digging into the pocket before pulling out his phone that was currently flashing with several missed texts. Four long rambling ones from Moxxie, three slightly shorter ones from Millie, and then one each from Loona and Stolas. (Stolas’s was just a series of emojis that Blitzo didn’t really feel up to interpreting, including for some reason several little green leaves.)

He shot back a text to the IMP groupchat.

_Im fine u gyus, dont worry aboutme. Its all good nd im keepingit._

He flopped down on the bed to start scrolling through Voxtagram, and Loona firmly snapped the door shut at the same moment the bed creaked from his weight. 

“G’night, Blitzo.”

“G’night, Loonie! See you tomorrow bright and early!” he called back at the sound of her plodding down the hall. “We’ve got another job lined up!”

If he was lucky, maybe nothing else would even have to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently mapping out how I want the rest of the fic to go, but starting the next chapter we'll start getting into the actual 'pregnancy' stuff. 
> 
> Also! There was some adorable fanart! An anon named 'Fruit' submitted [this v cute preg Blitzy](https://hazbincalifornia.tumblr.com/post/634467193418072064/fruit-submitted-ive-never-drawn-blitzo-but-your), and some [art of the kid!](https://hazbincalifornia.tumblr.com/post/634538801511989248/fruit-submitted-im-back-i-doodled-the-little-one) (I've been talking about them a lot over on tumblr, but that's obviously a bit of a spoiler of gender/species/ect so only click if you're fine knowing!) There's also a lot of art of them in general in my 'gift' tag by a good friend of mine, but it's gonna take a while to link all of it and it's basically the entire rest of the tag, so, feel free to see that at your leisure.
> 
> Comments and kudos are super appreciated!


	5. First Day Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blitzo tries to get right back into the swing of things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for emetophobia and gore/death. The gore is IMP-related.

Blitzo was drawing a horse and chewing on a bagel when Millie knocked on the door to his office.

“Blitzo?”

He spat the bagel out on a napkin, scattering crumbs over his drawing paper until he brushed them off. “Yeah?”

She pushed the door open. “You doing okay?”

“Geez, I’m not gonna have dissolved into a pile of limp-dick spaghetti in the _half-day_ since you last saw me.” He rolled his eyes. “Tell Moxxie to not worry either. I’ve got this under control. Stolas agreed to the stipend thing and it’ll be at least another couple months before I have to be off-duty.”

“That’s good. That’s real good, as long as you know your limits, you know?” She gave a sweet little half-smile, and Blitzo was again reminded of what Moxxie saw in her. “So, what’s the job today?”

Blitzo pulled out his schedule and flipped it over. The ink was slightly smeared from when he’d first written it, but it was still legible. His finger cast a shadow from the light of the lamp over the name. “A pretty typical one. Her ex-husband took off with a bunch of money like a week before she had a heart attack, so she never got it back and wants him to pay for it. Apparently, they were right in the middle of the divorce because he was slapping her around like a party clown at a picky kid’s party and _she_ was fucking his best friend in revenge. She said they’ve got a kid, but he was on the verge of moving out so we probably don’t have to worry about him.”

Millie nodded. “Alright. Anything special we need to know?”

Blitzo shook his head, settling back on the chair, and it creaked as his tail idly flicked behind him. “I asked if he’s got any weapons, and she said not that she knew of. He’s some fatass loser, so it should be easy.” He cracked his neck. “We’ll probably be done within the hour, especially if we nab the guy at home. She didn’t give any special death circumstances, so it’s just a bullet to the head like usual. It didn’t sound like he had a lot of friends other than his dad, I bet it’ll take them a week to find the body.”

“What, are _you_ gonna keep track?”

Blitzo gave her a fingergun and clicked his tongue, pretending to shoot her right in the heart.

“Eeeeeh, got me there Millz. Just grab Moxxie, maybe we can clock out early today.”

She pressed a hand over her chest, pretending to swoon. “Oh, right where it hurts!” Her grin widened and she straightened up, nodding at him. “You got it.” She clicked the door shut behind her after leaving, and Blitzo grabbed his half-bagel again, stuffing it in his mouth whole before swallowing hard. 

“This’ll be a breeze.”

____________________

It was easy enough to find the place- the portal popped out directly in the backyard. Blitzo’s finger twitched on the side of his rifle. He liked the longer-range weapons when there was any possibility of targets trying to run, but he doubted it was going to be much use today other than helping with aim. The weight was still nice in his arms, though. He really liked this gun.

“You two, fan out. Make sure there aren’t any extra witnesses. She mentioned that he’s close to his dad, so let’s hope he isn’t in a visiting mood. The geezer’d have a bad enough day cleaning his son’s brains up off the kitchen floor, let's hope he isn't here to see them get blasted out on top of that.” Blitzo paused. "Might be easier to just take care of _both_ of them in that case, although him babbling about demons might just get _him_ blamed for the job and put us in the clear." He shrugged. "Eh, not our problem either way."

Moxxie flinched but nodded, and Millie nodded along with him.

“Got it,” Moxxie said. “I brought the chloroform in case anyone else sees us.”

“Good call.” Bitzo nodded back. “We’ll take the ground floor first, then go upstairs if we have to.”

The other two nodded again, and Blitzo ignored an uncomfortable gurgling in his stomach, choosing instead to sling the rifle over his shoulder and start fiddling with the lock.

“I used to wonder how you even got into our apartment, but…” Moxxie trailed off.

“It’s a useful skill,” Blitzo replied, only half-listening until the lock clicked and he creaked the door open. He went in first, looking around. There was a single light on, somewhere around the corner, but the living room they entered was dark. He waved his hand forward, and Millie and Moxxie trod lightly on the carpeting behind him.

The light turned out to be a dead end- it was the kitchen, but no one was in it. “Dammit,” Blitzo muttered. “Fan out.”

Moxxie headed upstairs while Millie checked the next room over, and Blitzo doubled back to a side room off the living room, creaking the door open and wincing at the noise that it made. Dammit, didn't people keep that shit oiled? 

There he was- sleeping like a baby, even through the creaking door. He even had a nightlight on. That cheered Blitzo up- man, this was gonna be _too_ easy. He lifted the gun- just as his stomach decided it was time for a rather violent rebellion and forced its contents back up through his throat with an acidic burn that was vaguely citrus-esque, splattering the cheekpiece and forcing him to drop it with a yelp as it began to bubble and smoke. The imp spat the puke out, taking an involuntary step back as his head dragged down like a lead weight to stare at it.

“What in the _sweet pissing fuck-_ ”

“Gah!” The target sat straight up and started screaming, high and shrill and very, _very_ irritating. Blitzo fumbled for the gun, but his fingers didn’t seem to be working right and his stomach was still doing flips and that screaming was _pounding into his skull-_

Three shots went off, and the screaming abruptly screeched to a stop, replaced by wet gurgling. It took a few seconds to process that the rifle was still shaking in his hands, and the soupy vomit was oozing over the half-melted back end and soaking into his gloves.

He blinked dumbly for a few seconds before it sunk in and he dropped the gun again. It hit the puddle of puke already on the carpet just as Millie and Moxxie ran into the room.

“Sir?” Moxxie asked at the same time as Millie called “Blitzo!” Blitzo, meanwhile, stared at the wall. One of the shots had hit the man’s neck, but the other two had gone wide, one shattering a picture and the other hitting the headboard. The target was currently choking on his own blood, grasping for his adam’s apple but just smearing blood all over his fingers in the process. Moxxie stepped around Blitzo, using his pistol to plug a bullet directly into the skull to stop the choking noises and blowing bits of brain into the headboard. Which was good. Blitzo kind of felt like puking again. 

It was just the wet gurgly noise, he was more than used to the gore. 

“What happened?” Millie asked. “He was still in bed- did he manage to-”

“This was _exactly_ the kind of thing I was worried about.” Moxxie grimaced, swiping a shirt off the end of the bed and using it to wipe off Blitzo’s face. “Eep!” The shirt started dissolving in his hands and he dropped it like- well, like it was melting in his hands. “What’s going _on?_ ”

“It seems like my puke is melting things,” Blitzo said, swiping at it with his hand. “It doesn’t usually do that.”

“Yeah, I’ve cleaned your drunk ass-”

“Moxxie!” Millie protested.

“-Up off the floor a few times, and it’s never done that before. It has to be a pregnancy thing.” Moxxie sighed, sticking his hand in Blitzo’s jacket to rummage around before pulling out the phone. “Let’s just head back.”

“Putting the moves on me, Moxx? When I just upchucked on the target’s carpet? You’re shameless.”

“Let's not do this right now,” Moxxie mumbled with just a hint of annoyance, dialing the IMP number. “Just go sit down, I don’t want to have to carry you back to the office if you get sick again.”

Blitzo's head _did_ still feel a little spinny, and he leaned against the wall as Moxxie set the phone against his head. “Just hurry it up, the lady said she wanted us to call her as soon as we got back.”

“Yes, we’re done. Open the portal. Yes, it’s Moxxie. No, I didn’t...”

Blitzo let the conversation fade a little, staring down at the floor. The vomit had started to eat away at the carpet underneath, as well as the flame paint job on the side of the rifle. He liked those flames, he’d have to repaint them. In fact, he was probably going to have to replace the whole back half now anyway. It wouldn’t _that_ hard, gun stores were a dime a dozen in Hell, but still, the fact that his body was already doing such weird shit- _acid vomit,_ of all things?- just made his guts bubble uncomfortably, even after the red glow on the other end of the room said that the portal had been opened.

“Maybe we can find a way to weaponize it,” Millie said, patting his arm. “I mean, acid bombs _sound_ pretty cool.”

Blitzo scooped the gun up, relieved that it at least didn’t burn his fingers, and lightly bounced it in his hands. The weight was all off now. “You may be on to something there.”

“Don’t encourage him,” Moxxie grumbled, but he brushed a bit of goop off of Blitzo’s arm before stepping through the portal.

Blitzo’s fingers curled tightly around the remains of the rifle as he followed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off: Wow, there was more fanart! [More from froot with 'bring your kid to work day'](https://hazbincalifornia.tumblr.com/post/635176557139329024/bittenfroot-submitted-i-was-losing-my-mind), and heck-im-gay made [a cute thing with Blitzo in a sweater!](https://hazbincalifornia.tumblr.com/post/635330489258065921/what-do-you-mean-not-good-this-is-adorable) I'm always super appreciative of fanart and engagement, so if you have any art or questions/comments, [send them my way!](https://hazbincalifornia.tumblr.com/) Ask and submit both work without an account if you don't have one. However, it's 18+, just so everyone knows! 
> 
> Next, I have an actual outline now, and this puppy's gonna be roughly 30 chapters, although it may end up more just as I get more ideas I want to cram in. I'm super excited for ep 2 to get to see more of Stolas and Octavia, anybody else? 
> 
> Anyway, comments/kudos/asks are all super appreciated!


	6. Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a meeting about how the last mission went.

Blitzo yawned and stretched as he walked into the office before cracking his back. “Ugh, you’re barely big enough to make a bump, can you stop- gah!”

Moxxie was standing in the middle of his office, and Millie was sitting on top of his desk. “Good morning, sir.”

“The fuck are you two doing here? You don’t come in for another hour.”

“We need to talk.”

Blitzo groaned. “If this is about yesterday-”

“Yes, it’s about yesterday!” Moxxie crossed the room, poking a finger into Blitzo’s chest. “We were all put at risk because _you_ don’t know what’s going to happen to your body!”

Bitzo held up his arms. “It worked out fine, don’t worry about-”

“I _am_ worried!” Moxxie’s hand dropped down to Blitzo’s stomach, giving a firm poke to it instead. “You rushed into this without considering how it was going to affect IMP, much less yourself.”

“You can lighten up a little, honey-” Millie started. Moxxie held up his other hand to her and drew in a deep breath before letting it out.

“Look. You’re in this now. Can you at _least_ promise me that there won’t be any more nasty surprises? We might not know about pregnancies specifically between an imp and a Goetic family member, but we can at least look at both and see if we can make an educated guess.”

“That sounds like nerd-talk.”

“Maybe it is, but it’s nerd talk that might save your life. You aren’t dog-walking, sir. We’re assassins, and-”

“And I _know_ what we do, Moxx. I founded this place and then hired you two, remember? And as your boss, I’m telling you to stop being so uptight.” Blitzo pushed Moxxie’s hand off of him, taking a step back before circling the desk and plopping down in the chair, hearing the leather give a satisfying creak. “I dealt with _plenty_ of dangerous shit as a kid with the Siblings, I can deal with being a little off-balance for a few months.”

“I saw your face yesterday. You had _no idea_ that was going to happen.” Moxxie turned on his heels, arms crossed again as his eyes narrowed.

“We’re just worried about you, hun,” Millie said, turning herself and folding her legs into a pretzel position. “That’s all. We care about you.”

“ _And_ we’re worried about business operations,” Moxxie added. “You already ruined your best gun.”

“I can get a new one.” Blitzo waved his hand.

“And if you throw up again? This time with a client that has firearms, like that family a month or two back?” Moxxie challenged, smacking his hands down on the desk. “I’m not doubting your normal ability. I know that you can normally get the job done just fine. I’m doubting your ability _now,_ when all three of our lives may be on the line.” He paused. "All four, technically."

Blitzo stood back up, hands pressed down on the desk as well. However, his height gave him the distinct advantage of the ability to loom over Moxxie. “I know what I’m doing. I can and will handle this, got it? And you have no right to judge me, considering how badly _you_ fucked up that job with the family with the firearms. Who’s the real liability here?”

Millie set a hand on Moxxie’s shoulder. “It was the first day back. Maybe we see how the rest of the week goes, _then_ we can judge. We’ll be extra-careful, alright?”

“Thank you, Millie,” Blitzo said.

“And then if it _does_ get bad, then we can-”

“I _said,_ thank you Millie.” Blitzo’s fingers twitched against the wood, and she hopped off the desk, pulling Moxxie towards the door.

“Oh, and by the way, sir.” Moxxie’s tail curled. “I looked it up for you. Pregnant people aren’t supposed to have caffeine- or at least not the amount _you_ normally have.”

As soon as they made it outside the door, Blitzo’s head hit the desk and he groaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bittenfroot made another really cute thing with [the family!](https://hazbincalifornia.tumblr.com/post/635455290643480576/bittenfroot-submitted-today-i-offer-a-warm-up)
> 
> I'm going to actually wait to write the next chapter until we get the next episode because we're _so close_ to getting to know Octavia and it'd kinda suck to write her one way and then have it promptly proven wrong the next day, since the plan is to have her coming along soon in this fic. I can prewrite some later chapters, and I have some boring school stuff I need to do, but as always, you can poke me over on tumblr. 
> 
> Comments and kudos super appreciated!


	7. Coffee Replacement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blitzo gets an idea to deal with not being able to drink as much coffee as usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who just realized I still had an idea or two before Stolas (and Octavia) have to come back into the picture and thus I could write before the next episode dropped? Meeeee.

Blitzo was not feeling great today.

He’d looked it up and, _unfortunately_ , Moxxie seemed to be at least somewhat right about the coffee thing- he was allowed one cup and that was it, even though most of the stuff in shops around here didn’t actually give him a buzz until he had at _least_ two or pumped one full of extra caffeine. He’d taken just one home with him last night after a long day of not much happening. It had been a _bitch_ of a time trying to stay up as late as usual, and he’d been yawning all morning so far with a headache, which wasn’t exactly a great sign before a mission.

“There’s plenty of other shit that’ll work, right?” His arms were crossed as he muttered to himself, and he drummed his fingers on his bicep, glancing out the window to the street. The street where the vending machines were.

Moxxie was focused on his little spreadsheets, and Millie and Loona wouldn’t bitch at him over it. He could just have a little. It’d been a while since he’d tried anything that hard outside of the club, but he couldn’t risk being off his game on a mission again, _especially_ not after last time. He whistled as he crossed the office, noting that the wallpaper had an unpleasant dark curl on the edges where it had gotten singed.

“Where are you going?” Moxxie raised an eyebrow as Millie counted out something on her fingers and looked over at his screen.

“Getting some fresh air before we leave, _dad,_ ” Blitzo retorted, walking through the door before wrapping his tail around the knob and pulling it shut. He pinched between his eyes as the headache flared again before brushing it off with a wave of his other hand. “Sheesh, it’s not that big a deal,” he muttered to himself, releasing his tail from the knob and making his way out to the street. For some reason, the smoky smell was getting to him today, and his brows furrowed in irritation as a yawn pried his jaw open. His breath tasted like ass.

He bumped some curvy bitch with probably-plastic tits the size of bowling balls out of the way with his hip as he crossed the street, and she jabbed him back with a surprisingly strong elbow, nearly knocking him off-balance.

“Watch where you’re going, bozo!”

“Don’t get in my way, then!” He snapped back, and she flipped him the bird as she kept walking. It was easy enough to hit the button proudly proclaiming that it contained ‘Coke!’ Luckily it was already in the powdery form, so he wouldn’t need to deal with making it easier to use without a crack pipe. Blitzo considered just snorting up on the street, but the curvy imp was still growling at him, so he dropped the baggie down the front of his jacket and flipped her off in return as he headed back into the building.

Moxxie didn’t say anything this time, focused on his numbers again. Good. Blitzo snapped his office door shut, carefully unwrapping the bag after fishing it out from his chest and spilling a bit out on the desk, lining it out with his gift card for the Pizza House and leaning over the desk to actually use the stuff.

“Alright, I’ll need you to talk to his highness about helping with the repairs to the offic-” Moxxie cut himself off mid-word, one hand still on the doorknob. “ _What_ are you doing?”

Blitzo blinked up at him. “Uh. Coke?”

“Oh, no you don’t!” Moxxie scurried forward, scooping his hand to pull the already-sorted powder towards himself as Blitzo protested.

“Come on, I need _something_ and I can’t have enough coffee anymore! It’s practically useless when there’s only one, that shit is weak!”

“Well, you should have thought of that _before_ getting pregnant!” Moxxie shot back. “No other drugs! Well, weed maybe, but-”

“I don’t _need_ weed, though! I need something for energy!” Blitzo’s eyes darted to the opened bag, but Moxxie’s followed and he quickly snatched it.

“You’re just going to have to deal with it until you adjust to not needing as much caffeine anymore.”

“What’s going on in here?” Millie poked her head in, and when she spotted the bag in Moxxie’s hand, she gasped.

“Is that-”

“Cocaine,” Moxxie said with a sigh. Millie marched across the room.

“Blitzo, you need to be careful!”

“Oh, great, _you’re_ on my case now too?” He leaned back, kicking at the desk with his boot. “Moxxie said caffeine! That was it!”

“Other drugs are even worse, Blitzo- d’ya know how many demons from back home got born addicted to like five different things and ended up dying because their mommas just overdosed them to get ‘em to shut up? Way too many!” She ran a hand through her hair, ruffling it. “I don’t mean to be mean, but this’s serious, sugar. Just cause we handle stuff better than sinner do doesn’t mean it won’t hurt the baby. We’ll find something else that’ll help.”

“Right now I need _something_ other than a wake-up slap in the face, you get me?”

“I can arrange the slap thing if you can’t come up with any other ideas,” Loona called out from the waiting room.

“Very helpful, sweetie!” Blitzo called back sarcastically, staring up at the ceiling. One hand drifted to his middle, and he scratched it idly. Stolas’s call was coming tomorrow, same as always. He had no idea what he was going to tell him other than the fact that he needed a new gun. Maybe he could talk him into an upgrade if he let him touch his stomach or something. “Anyway, what were you coming in about, Moxx?”

Moxxie’s mouth opened and closed a few times like a fish out of water before he took a deep breath. “We’re still dealing with the bill for the… fire damage.”

“That you caused.”

“That… yes, that my misfired arrow started.” He cleared his throat. “His highness offered to help with that, so you can probably bring it up during his call tomorrow. It’ll definitely help with balancing the budget since things have been a bit slow lately.”

“Got it.” Blitzo rubbed his forehead. “If I can’t have coke, can one of you at _least_ get one of those little ham and turkey sandwiches they make out of the bagels at the little deli a couple buildings down and the chocolate croissants? It sounds great right now.”

“I’ll do that.” Millie patted the tip of his boot. “Good choice.”

He rummaged around in her pocket and tossed her a ten-dollar bill. “Yeah, yeah, if you two are gonna insist on being killjoys I might as well at least get _something_ out of you.” He paused. “Thanks.”

“It’s no trouble.” She smiled, stuffing the money in her pocket and turning to leave.

Moxxie dumped the contents of the bag out into the trash on his way out, and Blitzo hissed at his back before closing his eyes. Maybe if he was lucky he could get a little extra sleep before they headed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just gonna link you all to [the tag](https://hazbincalifornia.tumblr.com/tagged/em) for the art my friend made of the kid because there's a lot of it and it's all excellent.
> 
> Anyway, comments and kudos super appreciated!


	8. Check-In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stolas checks in on Blitzo.

Blitzo startled awake in his chair at a knock on the door, nearly falling off from the strange angle as he’d draped himself over it and almost tipped it over when he jolted up. “Fuck!”

“Oh, good, you’re awake.” Loona held up the phone. “It’s for you.”

He gave a long, sustained groan as he dragged himself across the office to take the call. “Heeeeeeeeeello?”

“Blitzy! Good, there you are!” Stolas sounded chipper enough that Blitzo briefly imagined stuffing him through a leaf mulcher. Oddly enough, it didn’t really help. “Change of plans. Instead of our usual call, I’ve tried out that smartphone Via had me get, I’m right outside your office!”

“Wha- shit, really?” Blitzo looked over at the clock, then down at himself. He was dressed- well, pretty much the same as he always did, so it wasn’t like _Stolas_ was going to judge, but it was all wrinkled from his nap. This was just what he’d get for springing this on him. “Uh, we might have a-”

“Your Loona said that there was nothing on the schedule for today.”

She gave a half-grin at Blitzo. “Have fun.”

He set a hand over the bottom of the phone. “Seriously?”

Loona shrugged. “He promised to get you lunch.”

“ _Slightly_ more acceptable, then.” Blitzo took a breath. “Alright, you can come-”

Stolas opened the door before Blitzo even finished his sentence, and Blitzo fumbled the phone back into place before trying to straighten his suit a little.

“Oooh, it’s so cute!” Stolas gushed, getting down on one knee to admire the bump. Blitzo could already feel his eye twitching as the owl began running his hands over it in full view of Loona, who, when he looked over, had already buried her face in a magazine.

“Soooo... Loona said you promised lunch?”

Stolas looked up. “Yes, I’m taking you out of here for a few hours. I’d rather get a face-to-face update today, see how things are going.” He paused. “And Stella is out with her parents, so we have the house to ourselves until tomorrow.”

Ah, right. “What about… Olivia?”

“Octavia.”

“Yeah, her.”

“She’ll be in today, but she’ll likely be in her room.”

“Alright.” She didn’t seem _that_ bad from what Blitzo had seen, at least. Maybe she could even distract her dad a little if she showed up. “Let’s get this over with.”

“Aw, don’t you _want_ to spend time with me, Blitzy?” Stolas fluttered his eyes, and Blitzo couldn’t hold back a snort, ruffling at the top of Stolas’s head.

“I’m not about to turn down free lunch and we needed to talk anyway, let’s leave it at that, got it?”

“Good enough for me.” Stolas stood back up- even having shrunk himself a little to fit into the office, he towered over Blitzo. He reached for Blitzo’s wrist, leading him towards the door, and when Blitzo looked back, Loona waggled her fingers in farewell without looking up. Traitor.

_______________________

The ride to the palace was mostly filled with Stolas talking about how the last week or so had been. Via had introduced him to some new band that he wasn’t particularly fond of but _did_ enjoy the instrumentals on, and he’d had to go to some mega boring dinner party. On and on, including some political bullfuckery in fancy words that Blitzo couldn’t really understand or bring himself to care about. (Especially not when he was sweating like a pig even though the limo had AC on when he put his hand up to the vent.)

“But on the plus side, the mawplants in the back of the greenhouse had been blooming wonderfully! And speaking of blooming…” Stolas grinned, cupping Blitzo’s cheek. “How have _you_ been, Blitzy?”

“Fine.”

“Fine isn’t saying much, you know.”

“I’m alive, that’s something, isn’t it?”

“It is.” Stolas’s grin shrunk a little, but it was becoming more of a soft smile instead as they pulled up to the front doors. “Is the child giving you much trouble?”

“I want some grub in me _before_ I start talking about this.” The leather seat creaked as Blitzo stood up. He stretched, rolling his shoulders before Stolas took the lead.

“I suppose I cannot begrudge you that.” The owl folded his hands behind his back, falling quiet until they made it to the dining room. Or some version of it, anyway- the table looked pretty small, so it was probably the tea room or something? Blitzo couldn’t imagine any really big feasts in here. It _was_ kind of cozy, though.

The imp servants that were talking to each other when the two of them entered shut themselves up and side-eyed him. He flipped the nearest one off, making them take a half-step back.

“Relax, dipshits. Not here to take your jobs.”

One had an expression that Blitzo couldn’t quite parse out, kinda like she’d just swallowed pickle brine but then also was trying to offer sympathy at a funeral. She hurried out when Stolas waved her towards the door.

“Go collect the lunch things.”

“Yessir!” They cleared out, and Blitzo settled himself down at one of the seats. He ended up having to just get into a kneeling position and settle down on his calves in order to reach the damn table.

“Ah, I’ll have them bring you a cushion,” Stolas said as he sat down himself. “Are you alright with fish?”

“Yeah, fish’s fine. I like fish.” Blitzo looked around- he usually didn’t see much of the palace outside of the hallways and Stolas’s bedroom. There were paintings and pictures all over- several of Stolas himself. “Interesting decorations.”

“Thank you!” Stolas seemed to take it as a compliment. “Now, how have you been the past week?”

“I told you-”

“It doesn’t have to be about the child. I want to hear about _you_.” Stolas’s elbows were on the table as his chin settled on his hands, head tilting slightly as he watched Blitzo with all four eyes half-lidded. Even kneeling, Blitzo was still getting looked down at, and he groaned, resigning himself to standing up on the chair until the servants came back with something tall enough to make him not feel like a fucking baby. His armpits felt like swamps and he hoped he didn’t smell like an acrobat’s ass-crack.

“Pretty typical week. We had a few jobs, I killed some random jackass who he tried to mug me because he was drunk as shit and tried to tear my clothes off.”

“Oh! Are you alright?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t much of a fight. Like I said, he was drunk, and it was enough he was super clumsy. That kinda shit happens a lot,” Blitzo said, leaning against the table. Dammit, Stolas was still taller, but sitting on the table itself was gonna be _way_ too demeaning. “He had a lot in his wallet, though.”

“Ah. Resourceful!” Stolas’s smile widened a bit as one of the imp servants brought in a silver tray with two plates on it, kicking a small stepstool out from under the table in order to set the tray on the table and push the plates towards the two of them. “Now, a high cushion for Blitzy here, so he doesn’t have to stand.”

The imp turned to look over at Blitzo, but the narrowed eyes he met were enough to send him hurrying out of the room as Stolas picked up a little fork.

“Don’t worry if there’s any left over. The portion sizes are typically for Hellborns more my size.” He grinned. “Of course, I know you much you can swallow, don’t I?”

“Wow, you managed to make it a while. I’m actually impressed.” Blitzo picked up the fork and started to pick at the fish before taking a bite. It was- okay, it was delicious. Rich people had good food, he already knew that. He stabbed the fork into the plate as he scooped up another decent-sized chunk before stuffing it into his mouth.

“Mmm, and you haven’t decided to come over just for fun yet, I’ve noticed.” Stolas used his fork to cut the fish in half horizontally before dropping the top half into his beak, the two halves making a ‘click’ as they snapped shut and the whole thing moving down his throat in a huge lump. Blitzo lost at least half of his appetite, but the fish that was still in his mouth tasted good enough to swallow.

“It’s only been a week, I’ve been busy.” He paused for half a second. “Hey, besides, the deal was I come over if _I_ want to now.” Blitzo pointed the end of his fork at him. “I thought you couldn’t go back on the handshake ones.”

“I can’t, I was merely curious.” Stolas licked at the side of his mouth. “I still expect updates, of course, but yes, it’s up to you now. I think that makes it more exciting, don’t you?” His voice practically dropped to a purr. “After all, it will be when you can’t resist staying away.”

Blitzo’s stomach turned as he plastered a smile on his face. “Uh… huh.” He looked down at his plate, then back up at Stolas. “Might as well get this over with. I need a new gun.”

“Done, but what happened to your old one?” Stolas didn’t seem angry, just curious, which was… well, pretty much what Blitzo had been expecting.

“....Puked my guts on it and it turns out pregnancy puke melts shit,” Blitzo grumbled.

“Would you like me to order it, or just give you the funds to-”

“Funds,” Blitzo said, just as the servant came back with a stack of cushions. He looked up at Stolas who nodded over to Blitzo, and then the cushions were passed up to Blitzo.

“Alright, I got them, you can go.” Blitzo made a shooing motion before sitting down, and the imp’s eye twitched before he hurried out. “What, was he expecting a tip?”

“He probably isn’t used to seeing imps get special treatment around here is all,” Stolas said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “Anywho. You were saying something about sickness- I believe that’s a good segue into asking you how the pregnancy in general has treated you.”

“Fucking terribly,” Blitzo snapped. “There’s the acid puke thing, which luckily hasn’t come back yet but definitely will, I have to basically cut out any coffee stronger than piss, Moxxie _and_ Millie got all bitchy at me for trying to use coke-”

“ _Cocaine_ coke?” Stolas leaned over the table, alarmed.

“I didn’t get to _actually_ use it, keep your feathers on.”

“I should have included a clause about keeping yourself safe as well in our deal!” Stolas slid off the chair and crossed around the table in a few strides, cupping Blitzo’s face. “I know how good you are at your job so I wasn’t too worried about the baby’s health before, but-”

Blitzo pulled back, pushing Stolas’s hand away. “-But I’m a grown-ass man, I can handle myself, alright? You asked me how it was going, I said it sucked, I’m not sugarcoating this.”

“You should have contacted me.” Stolas clicked his tongue. “I could make some tea for nausea, and at least given you _some_ advice from when Stella was with Via.”

Blitzo slumped back on the chair and felt the cushion pile shift under him, not quite steady. “So. _Do_ you have any advice?”

“Well, I _would_ advise relaxing, but you don’t seem very fond of slowing down, isn’t that right?” Stolas pinched Blitzo’s cheek, getting a grumble out of the imp. “I suppose you should be on the lookout for odd cravings- they might be more raptor-esque, depending on how owl the child leans.”

“If I have to eat mice or something-”

“I could give you some!” Stolas interrupted, grabbing Blitzo’s shoulder. “You never know what’s in street rats.” He shuddered. “Via had a phase when she liked eating fresh-caught rats instead of respectably home-raised mice. She’s lucky she didn’t get sick.”

“...I don’t wanna eat rats,” Blitzo muttered, feeling sticky in his suit as he shifted around again.

“You may not have a choice- Stella was a right _beast_ sometimes when it came to getting certain foods as she wanted them! It was more than worth it in the end to have Via, though, of course.” Stolas’s hand drifted down from Blitzo’s shoulder to his stomach.

“It hasn’t gotten any bigger in like a week.”

“I know that, but it’s still wonderful,” Stolas said, a big dopey grin on his face with his eyes plastered on Blitzo’s middle. “You’re really carrying our child.”

“Yeah. That was the deal.” Blitzo wasn’t really sure why his skin had ants scurrying underneath it at the touch. Stolas casually undid the lower button on Blitzo’s suit, pushing the fabric aside to see the fabric of the turtleneck underneath. “Hey, no gropey.”

“I’m just making sure that the child is still alright, if you’re being such a reckless little imp,” Stolas hummed, his hand glowing red. Blitzo’s stomach glowed underneath it, and Stolas let out a soft sigh of relief. “Good, they’re still fine.”

“And me?” Blitzo raised an eyebrow, and Stolas’s hand moved up to rest on his chest, still pulsing a gentle, warm red.

“Of course I’m worried about you too, but _you_ can take care of yourself.” He paused, tilting his head. “Or at least I thought you could, but you might need some help, hmmm? Perhaps I should contract one of your employees to keep an eye on you.”

“Moxxie’s already halfway up my ass on a daily basis, you don’t have to do that.”

“Calls twice a week, then,” Stolas countered. “I can’t have you breaking what’s mine, can I?”

“I’m _not_ going to fuck this up.” Blitzo crossed his arms. “Five months. I’ve been through worse than this, I don’t need a fucking _babysitter_.”

Stolas sighed. “Perhaps not, but I have both of your safety in mind.” He turned to return to his seat when a new owl stuck her head into the room.

“Dad, when are we going to-” Her eyes widened before narrowing into pink slits. “What are _you_ doing here?”

Blitzo just waved with a strained grin as Stolas swept over to Octavia and pulled her into the room.

“We have some exciting news!”

“You’re turning him into the butler or something so you don’t even have to call first?" Her fingers twitched towards fists, and Blitzo held his hands up in a placating gesture.

“Hey, now-”

Stolas waved his arm towards Blitzo, as if he was a prized attraction. “We’re going to be having a child!”

Her tone dropped like a rock. “You’re _what?_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANART, WOO! Fruit made [this super duper adorable preg Blitzo](https://hazbincalifornia.tumblr.com/post/636985540589355008/bittenfroot-submitted-hes-tired-he-horny-and-if), and Em made some more excellent art. I don't remember what was up when I linked it last time so [here's the tag again.](https://hazbincalifornia.tumblr.com/tagged/em)
> 
> Guess who delayed this chapter to get a gauge on Via and then only actually put her in at the very end? Meeeeee. Note about the title baaaaaasically being decanonized by ep 2 making it clear they switch (which I like better anyway, tbh): I've still got a way to kinda roll with it and it'll be explained in a bit.
> 
> Other housekeeping: I'll likely make the fic canon-divergent specifically from episode 2, just because it'd kinda suck to _not_ have the talk between Stolas and Octavia to have happened. I'll continue to incorporate in new canon information I learn (like learning that Blitzo used to work as a clown specifically at Loo Loo Land or Stolas's wife's name being Stella, for example) but the events in episode 3 on will probably not have happened in this universe just so I don't have to constantly keep adjusting for them. If it's pure comedic and I really like them, I might just pretend they happened before the events of the fic. I'm not used to writing multi-chapters for currently-updating fandoms, I'm playing it by ear.
> 
> Comments and kudos super appreciated!


	9. Octavia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Octavia has some choice words.

“Are you _kidding_ me?”

“Via-”

“We- you- I can’t _believe_ this!” She shot a glare at Blitzo, who kept his hands up, feeling sweat drip from his pits down his sides in the process.

“Hey, it wasn’t _my_ idea, kid.” If anything was going to get thrown, he’d rather it not be in his direction.

At that, the teenager rounded on Stolas. “You _really_ wanted another kid? After you _just_ told me you weren’t going to run off!”

“I’m not!” Stolas… holy shit, he actually looked like he _hadn’t_ seen that reaction coming. Hadn’t he _heard_ the kid bitching about how annoyed she was seeing him making goo-goo eyes at Blitzo that whole day? Was it really _that_ much in one ear and out the other with him? “Via, I promise, I don’t intend to go anywhere.” He reached for her arm, but she tugged it away before she could get a good grip. A hiss of air whistled through Blitzo’s teeth at the tears starting to well in her eyes. Great, this was a _great_ addition to today. Not the distraction he'd been hoping for.

“You have a funny way of showing it.” Her eyes narrowed.

“Look, he gushes about you a lot, so it’s not a-” Blitzo started.

“I don’t want to hear anything from _you_ ,” she hissed, and Blitzo slid off the chair.

“Can we talk? Man to man?” He paused. “Man to angry teenager?”

She folded her arms, raising an eyebrow with a glare that could melt steel. “And what makes you think I want to hear it?”

“Just give me two minutes.” He held up two fingers. “Look, you can hate your dad all you want, you seem like a good kid, but _I’d_ rather not get stabbed through a misunderstanding here, fair enough?”

“Blitzy!” Stolas jolted at that, but that got Octavia to glance between the two of them before grabbing Blitzo’s arm and yanking him out the door. She closed it behind her, sweeping behind a plant big enough to hide them from view. Blitzo was pretty sure he heard it growl.

“Fine. You have two minutes. What’s going _on_ here?”

“It’s just a business thing, got it? Your dad’s got a thing for me, I get whatever I need back." Plus the landlord was totally up his tail about the rent and the fire damage, he couldn't lose the building and he'd be damned if he told Stolas that. "I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn't have to.”

“A minute forty.” Her tone was cold steel, one eye twitching.

“No need to be weird with me, I don’t like it any more than you do.”

“Get rid of it, then.”

“He promised to pay off repairs to the office. I’ve been through a lotta shit before, Vi-”

“Octavia.” She snapped the name out before he even finished the word. “My name is Octavia. _You_ don’t get to use Via.”

“Fine. Fair enough. Point is, this?” He jabbed a finger against his side. “ _This_ is a temporary thing. I don’t know what your dad wants to do with it, and I don’t really care, but I don’t want you thinking I’m trying to reel him in by trapping him with a baby or something. Being on-call for whenever he’s thirsty sucks enough, this baby thing is a one-time gig because he’s probably got a pregnancy fetish or something.”

“Don't... don't say that." She grimaced at the last sentence. "So he’s definitely the one that wants it, and he’s just dragging you along with him.” Her fingers tap-tap-tapped against her sleeve as she glanced back towards the room. 

“Pretty much.”

“And you _don’t_ want to run off with him?”

Blitzo shook his head. “The idea of him crashing in my apartment forever is fucking terrifying. He wouldn’t even fit on anything and he’d break the couch with his giant bird ass the second he sat down. Whatever daddy issues you’ve got, they’re _his_ problem, not mine, got it? Leaving things the way they are sounds great. Preferably with less of me having to haul my sorry ass up here when he wants to get his beak wet.”

“Gross.”

“Yeah, well, so was upchucking on my own boots the other day. Life’s gross.” He straightened the skull around his neck- it had gotten twisted around at some point and was tugging too tight. Octavia looked him up and down, and he took a deep breath. “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

“Is there anyone else?”

“Huh?”

She poked at his stomach. “I _said,_ is there anyone else? You’re sure it’s Dad’s?”

“Unfortunately, no one constant.” Blitzo stretched. “I’ve slept around plenty, but I don't hand out access between _my_ legs easy, and the way the dates line up mean it’s definitely his.”

Her arms crossed again. “Oh. Great.”

“Yeah, it’d be easier if it had been some random dipshit I met while drunk, but at least this way I’m getting something out of it.” Blitzo glanced back at the door. “For the record, though... he adores you. Any time isn’t spent telling me how tight my ass is, he’s talking about how much he wants you to be happy.”

Octavia’s fingers tightened around her arm again. “He does a lousy job of it,” she murmured, and Blitzo patted her shoulder.

“Yeah, well, that’s just Stolas for you.”

She brushed her hair out from her eyes. Feathers? Blitzo wasn’t entirely sure if it was feathers or hair, it kinda looked like a weird mix of both. He was weirdly tempted to touch it but didn’t only because she might have her mom’s razor-sharp nails. “You’re still an asshole.”

Blitzo shrugged. “Eh. I can live with that.”

Octavia crossed the hallway and pushed the door back open, Blitzo on her heels. Stolas had been pacing in the center of the room, gnawing on his nails.

“That was four and a half minutes.”

“What the heck were you thinking?” She asked, eyes narrowed.

“I thought it might be fun!” Stolas looked between them before sighing. “Via, can we discuss this later? I thought you’d _like_ the chance to have a little sibling.”

“Mom’s not going to like this.” Her tone was flat, a statement of fact.

Stolas ran a hand over his head. “I’m aware. I’ll find a way to break it to her.”

“Tell me when you are so I can steer clear.”

He sighed again. “Deal. But really, sweetie-”

“Did you even _think_ about how I’d feel?” The word ‘think’ came out strangled, and the rest after it were on the verge of collapse, raw and bloody. Blitzo took a step back as she took one forward. “You can’t tell me that you care and then do something like.. like... like this!”

Stolas’s mouth opened and closed a few times before he pulled Octavia against his chest. “I _never_ meant for this to hurt you, I swear.”

“Swear you’re not going to just… just…” She choked on her words again, and Stolas knelt down in front of her.

“I promise, this won’t make me love you any less and I’m not going anywhere. Just because we’re making something new-”

“Something new was making Mom hate you _before_ you got a baby involved,” Octavia muttered, voice still wavering. “She’s _going_ to flip.”

“I know how to handle your mother. I’ve been doing it since before you were born.” He brushed a tear from her eye, squeezing her arms reassuringly. “It’ll all be alright, I promise.” She didn’t reply to that, but stared down as if trying to pry the truth about the future out of him by sight alone.

Blitzo cleared his throat. This was… exceptionally weird to have to watch and more than he was prepared to deal with today. “So, about the money for the gun?”

“I’ll get it for you,” Stolas said offhandedly. “And some extra for whatever you need in the next few weeks.”

“Got it.”

Octavia’s eyes followed him after Stolas stood up, and _kept_ watching as they exited the little side-room and headed all the way down the hall, the pink and white burning holes in the back of his suit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not envy being in Octavia's position here.
> 
> Anyway, I still have to do some outline rearranging because of some new ideas I had and stuff that needs shifting around because of that, but I'm looking forward to the next couple of chapters! Comments and kudos appreciated, as always!


	10. Keep it in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mission requires a lot of waiting, and Blitzo isn't a fan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emetophobia/vomit warning again.

Blitzo crumpled the paper wrapper in his fist, shoving it into his pocket before groaning. On the other side of the yard, Millie was peering over a bush, and Moxxie was settled lower in the same tree Blitzo was on.

He’d gotten a new gun, but hadn’t had time to repaint it. With his luck, he’d barf on this one too, so he was going to wait and had just taped one of his handmade horses to the side to look at instead, Cherry Nut. She was red and brown. He liked her.

 _God,_ he wanted coffee. His stomach was gurgling, annoyed, because he’d been feeding it a steady diet of pure-sugar Fairy Stix and mac and cheese for the last few days in order to try and make up for the loss of caffeine. Moxxie hadn’t directly tried to pull the rug out on that one like his typical killjoy self, but it could be because he didn’t actually _know_ about the stix. Blitzo wasn’t really sure how many he’d gone through, but it was… a lot, considering he’d gotten a huge box and was a decent chunk through it. To be fair, it had been about a week and a half since the visit with Stolas. The mac and cheese thing was the new one, the Stix had been at least a week. He'd been able to shove some of the extra cash at the landlord to buzz off, at least, and somebody was coming in to fix the fire damage in a few days.

Unfortunately, the sugar didn’t actually help much with the weight dragging down his eyelids as it should have and he’d been running mostly on sheer willpower, but at least he felt like he was doing _something_. If he hadn’t, he probably would have just passed out at his desk and woken up with Millie and Moxxie having already taken care of the client for the day, and where would he be as a boss then, huh?

Speaking of which… Blitzo shook his head to try and focus, tightening his shaking fingers. There was a whole family in the cute little house, but the man had insisted that they only take out the father and only when the others left, since he wanted the living relatives to have to deal with the death and the thought that it was a suicide. The target was some cousin who'd super pissed him off, apparently. Blitzo only had the gun as a precaution, to be honest, since this one was supposed to be either a handgun shooting or an overdose, depending on if they found a gun in the house or not.

They’d already been there for almost an hour. The rest of them were supposed to be leaving sometime soon, but the client hadn’t been sure when. Blitzo was charging extra for this shit, his ass wasn’t _meant_ for crouching in a tree forever.

The sun moved overhead, and he swiped his glove across his forehead, the sweat absorbing in as he let out a whine and fanned himself. He was used to Hell, why was it so fucking _hot_ out here? It was starting to make him feel queasy again.

He could see movement through the window, but nobody was going out the door. If the instructions hadn’t been specifically for the death to happen out of everyone’s sight he would have just aimed and hoped at this point.

“Hey, you two see anything?” he asked into the walkie-talkie.

“Radio silence, sir, but no,” Moxxie said. Millie stuck her hand out of the bush and gave a thumbs down, and Blitzo shifted, trying to get comfortable. At least there was _some_ foliage on the tree to block out the sun, but Argentina was his new least favorite place. Turning his head a little, he could see Moxxie wiping at his own forehead, so at least it wasn’t just him.

Blitzo grimaced as his stomach turned like kneaded cotton candy that had gone sour, and he slumped back on the branch, closing his eyes. He’d be able to hear if anything happened, he had highly-attuned senses.

_________________

“SIR!”

Blitzo was woken up with a start as a branch snapped directly across his face, and he bit back a scream as he realized that he was falling.

Everything was spinning, and he took a few precious seconds to try and reorient himself before throwing his hands out to try and slow his descent, gripping whatever first brushed past them. From somewhere in the distance there was yelling, but here and now his claws dug into hard bark with one hand and something soft with the other.

“That’s… my… palm…” Moxxie hissed, his other hand holding tightly to the thick branch he was sitting on and that Blitzo was not dangling from. Blitzo forced his fingers to let go of Moxxie, and the other imp wrapped his hand around Blitzo’s wrist instead, starting to pull him up.

“Are you two okay?” Millie asked through the walkie-talkie, accent even heavier than usual in concern.

“My hand’s going to be bleeding for a bit, but I think he’s fine. Just fell asleep,” Moxxie said.

“I did _not_ , I just moved a little too far when readjusting position,” Blitzo insisted, trying very hard _not_ to sound like he’d just woken up, boots swinging wildly as he wiggled to get one foot over to the trunk and walk himself back up to the branch.

“Well, the people’re looking out, so be quiet,” Millie said just as Blitzo’s tail managed to snag one of the other sturdy branches. He gritted his teeth and swung upwards, letting go with his tail at the last moment before lifting one leg up and managing to make it to Moxxie’s branch.

It started creaking only a few moments later, and both imps’ eyes widened. Moxxie scrambled up to the branch above and Blitzo scooted backwards towards the base to where the limb was strongest.

Blitzo slapped a hand over his mouth as the other members of the house started looking around outside, but the tree must have been just far enough away that they dismissed the disturbance amongst themselves.

“Phew,” Blitzo breathed out, moments before his stomach started bubbling and churning again. His other hand flew down to hug it, pressing down on the hard bump. 

“Oh, thank satan. That could have been _so much-_ sir?” Moxxie called down, but Blitzo wasn’t about to move his head and risk upchucking. Somehow, knowing it was coming made it so much worse.

“They’re comin’ out now, but heading to the car, this is our chance,” Millie muttered into the walkie-talkie, heedless of the lava erupting in Blitzo’s guts. He kept his hand pressed over his mouth, trying to hold it in as long as he could. The car they were entering was visible through the leaves, and he swallowed down the first wave, glad that at least it hadn’t made it up to his tastebuds.

“Just hold it in, come on, we’ll do the job and let you rest out here, just hold it in…” Moxxie muttered above him, and Blitzo nodded slightly as he heard the engine start through a haze. Time stretched itself out like silly putty until the rumble faded, and Blitzo immediately turned his head to puke over the side of the tree, watching as it sizzled through the leaves and splattered the bark on the way down, carving out a blotchy pattern. It was a gross orangish-pink. 

He swished saliva in his mouth and spat it out after the rest of the mess.

“Oh goodness, you alright?” Millie asked.

“Fine. And they’re gonna have bigger problems when they get home than a fucked-up tree,” Blitzo said. “I wouldn’t worry about it.”

Moxxie slid down the tree, grabbing the walkie-talkie before carefully navigating his way around the vomit. He nodded to Millie. “I told him we’d handle this, he can just rest.”

“Good idea, sweetie.” She emerged from the bush. “C’mon, I have a copy of the note, let’s get in and out so we can go home and wash up. Did any of it get on you?”

“No, I’m fine.” Moxxie glanced back up at the tree, and Blitzo glared through the leaves for a moment. Moxxie's eyes narrowed as he turned.

“I’m not a goddamn _invalid…_ ” he muttered to himself as the pair entered the house.

Blitzo didn’t hear a gunshot within about ten minutes, so they must have gone for overdose. He had to pinch himself to keep awake, as he wasn’t about to pull out the Stix again and didn't want to faceplant into his own puke after passing out again. The gun had gotten dropped in his sleep, but it didn’t seem like it was actually _broken_ from this vantage point, so he was just going to pick it up when they left.

As soon as they got back to the office, though, he emptied a full cup of Loona’s mouthwash from the bathroom into his mouth and started gargling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still deciding which chapter idea goes next, but they're two of my favorites so either way it's gonna be fun.
> 
> Comments and kudos super appreciated! I think if you toss out the fics that are like 95% Hazbin with just the HB characters thrown in on the side, this fic is in the top 10 for kudos in the HB tag, which is just bonkers. You guys are the best. As always, I'm on tumblr at [hazbincalifornia,](https://hazbincalifornia.tumblr.com/) and asks/submissions are open even to people without accounts! Have more [delightful Em art too.](https://hazbincalifornia.tumblr.com/tagged/em)


	11. Knife Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blitzo plays the knife game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to follow along, [here's the song.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFfxMdgtxCE) I know people were singing this back when I was in middle school, and I assume enough people would have died by the time of the series that knew the song that it would have gone around. It just seems like the kind of thing that'd catch on in Hell, especially when sinners can probably regenerate digits with enough time.

_“Oh, I have all my fingers, the knife goes chop chop chop…”_ Blitzo sang to himself, hearing the pops and sharp smacks as the point of the knife hit the wood and was yanked back out. He didn’t really want to ruin _his_ desk, so he was using Loona’s- she’d snuffed out cigarette butts on the surface and idly scratched things into it enough that she probably wouldn’t notice any little dots from five-finger fillet. Besides, his office felt kind of stuffy right now. The waiting room was much better. It felt like it had been weeks since he'd last been in here alone.

Loona had gone home early, and Moxxie and Millie were on break- off making out somewhere, probably. Blitzo swore they’d smelled like sex when coming back at _least_ once. Sheesh, they could at least invite a guy to join in.

 _“...And if I hit my fingers, blood will soon come out, but all the same I play this game ‘cause that’s what it’s all about.”_ He twirled the knife in his fingers before going back to the beginning. He was leaned over the desk now, half-off the seat with his tongue sticking out of his mouth in concentration. _“There is an old tradition…”_

The silver blurred as it whipped between his fingers, closer and closer to the red of his fingers, black gloves a promise of the blood that would spill if he made an errant twitch. His focus was intent on keeping the rhythm and his fingers stone-still as he sang mostly to help keep himself in pace. It was almost like being put into a trance, and a grin crept up his cheeks as his hand moved faster and faster without a nick to show for it. Fuck yeah he was good at this.

_“...You cannot use a pen, the only way is with a knife when danger is your-”_

Something inside of him gave a _hard_ shift and his concentration shattered like glass, the knife grazing his knuckles on the way back from his pinky as his hand _flew_ in to feel his stomach. Bright red flashed below, and Blitzo’s wrist twitched, just barely managing to drop the knife before he stabbed himself. His heart was stuttering in his chest as he stared down at the bump, breath running so fast his brain took a few seconds to catch up the way it always did when his reflexes jumped in before his mind did.

“It moved,” he breathed, eyes wide. “Holy shit, it _moved._ ” He’d thought it was going to be an egg. 

“What moved?”

Blitzo’s eyes snapped up to see Millie with Moxxie hanging off her arm, her head tilted in a concerned manner. He bent down to scoop the knife back up and casually slammed the point of the blade into the desk, impaling it hard enough to keep upright.

“Who do you think?” He squeezed the side of his stomach, now just large enough that there was _enough_ to squeeze. “The little leech themselves.”

“Oooh!” Millie let go of Moxxie and hurried across the room, crouching down a little to put herself eye-level at Blitzo’s stomach. “Hey there, little one!”

“Millz, come on, don’t get attached.” Blitzo took a step back and she almost fell forward, pouting as she popped back up with crossed arms.

“Aw, c’mon. Even if Stolas keeps them, we’ll still probably be seeing them. There isn’t much harm to it, is there? Kids are cute!"

“Well, it’s weird.”

“Like _you’d_ know what’s ‘weird’,” Moxxie muttered.

“Care to repeat that, Moxxie?”

“Nothing, sir.” Moxxie walked over next to Blitzo. “Just out of curiosity though… _are_ they still moving?”

Blitzo looked down, hand flattening on the side of his stomach. “Not really- oh, wait.” There was still movement, it was just a lot more subtle than that first sharp jerk had been. “They musta been trying to do cartwheels or something, it was one big movement and now it’s just a little- hey, hey, hey!”

Moxxie had laid his hand next to Blitzo’s, face furrowed as he tried to feel. “Oh, I can feel it too.”

“Paws off!”

“You get in our personal space enough, you can handle this for two seconds,” Moxxie murmured before pulling back. “It’s just wild to think that there’s a child in there.”

“Yeah, well, they’re probably just a gross meat lump that’s lucky I’m letting them chill rent-free because bird-daddy’s taking care of it. Privileged little shit.” He didn’t realize that there was a twitching smile on his face as he looked down until Millie started grinning back at him and poked his cheek.

“Aw, you’re liking it a little too, aren’t you?”

“Just glad they’ve got my acrobatic talent, that’s all. Stolas’s gonna have a hell of a time keeping up.” Blitzo’s fingers splayed out, only now realizing that he’d made a slash on the back of his glove when he’d dragged the knife over it. He winced. At least he had replacements at home, but he was running through an absurd amount of clothing. More than usual.

“And you’re _sure_ that he’ll be taking it?” Moxxie asked. “He told you?”

“He is,” Blitzo said confidently. “C’mon, I can’t deal with a _baby._ I’m just growing the thing, then it’s _his_ problem. Anyway, who wants to go out for smoothies?” He draped his arms over Millie and Moxxie’s shoulders, tugging them both close. “The client for today never called in, something must have happened to them so we’ve got a free day. I found this one place. It’s not half as good as iced coffee, but the strawberry one kicks ass.”

Millie nodded, bouncing on her toes, and Moxxie sighed.

“That sounds good.”

"It's a date then!" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: This was actually one of the first chapters I wrote, I just was waiting for the right point to pop it in!
> 
> Comments and kudos super appreciated, as always!


	12. How to Serve Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blitzo gets an unusual craving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might be able to guess from the title, but content warning on this one for, uh.... is it cannibalism if you're different species? Plus some gore, both from the IMP job and the cannibalism thing.
> 
> I considered not giving a warning besides gore to keep it a surprise, but eh, I'm not that much of a dick.

“Come on, _seriously?”_ Blitzo gave his growing middle a harsh poke, egg muffin crumbling inside of the wrapper in his other hand. “Is _nothing_ good enough for you, you little shit?”

“What’s wrong?” Millie asked, leaning against the chair on the other end of the conference table.

“Just junior being picky. I’ve almost thrown up everything I’ve tried in the past twenty minutes,” Blitzo grumbled. ”I can’t figure out what I’m hungry for, but it’s not bagels, hot milk, egg muffins, ramen, _or_ cookies. Not even cookies! I thought kids _liked_ cookies!”

“Maybe you just need to work up an appetite. What’s the next job?”

Blitzo glanced over at the notes. “Somebody out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, Nevada. Nothing fancy as long as she's dead, no living relatives as far as the client knows. Another ex-girlfriend.”

“Let’s make a game of it, then!” Millie grinned. “First one to get the headshot orders dinner. Moxxie and I against you.”

Blitzo’s fingers sank into the squishy top of the muffin and he smashed it in his fist. “Sounds like a deal to me. Maybe by then I’ll figure out what the kid wants.”

_________

Luckily, the weather was actually pretty decent, if dry- if it had been raining, Blitzo would have just shot the chick in the house, but Millie’s idea of toying with her sounded good to get his mind off things.

“You _what?”_ Moxxie hissed as Millie shrugged.

“C’mon, it’s just one dinner. You could make something if he wins!”

“Yeah, but I don’t have anything planned, honey- oh, well, at least it kept him from complaining.”

“I’m two feet away from you, Moxx. I’m pregnant, not deaf.” Blitzo rolled his eyes, rolling a smoke-bomb around in his hand before pulling out a small lighter. “Back off unless you want a faceful of…” He squinted. “Green, apparently.”

Moxxie grumbled something under his breath, but Blitzo didn’t care about whatever whiny-bitch thing he was complaining about as he flicked the lighter top open. It wasn’t often jobs were completely isolated from other humans, so he might have even thought up something similar if Millie hadn’t suggested it first. He lit the bomb, chucking it through a cracked-open window, and with any luck, it would be three, two…

“GAH!”

Bingo. A smirk spread across Blitzo's face as he switched off the safety on his rifle. “I’m thinking something with lots of chocolate.”

“It’s not yours yet,” Millie said, bumping him with her hip as she stood up. The target slammed the door open, looking frantic. She was… reasonably hot, Blitzo supposed, not that it really mattered. Not fat, but not skinny either, so how fast she could run could go either way.

“What the fuck- who’s out here? Leave me alone! I have a gun in here, and I know how to use it!”

Blitzo fired a shot off that just barely missed her shoulder, and her eyes widened as she whirled around. “Better get moving, bitch!” he laughed, and she stumbled over herself to try and grab the door and barricade herself inside. Unfortunately, Millie shot at the doorknob, and the woman took that as her cue to take off into the desert.

“Geez, humans are dumb,” Millie muttered as she bolted after the target. Blitzo straightened up, cracking his neck before running after her and managing to pass fairly quickly with his longer legs. “Aw, come on!”

“Snooze you lose!” Blitzo called, taking aim and trying to take the target down- dammit, missed! It was harder to do this when you were both running, but he was sure he could make it- he’d pulled off jobs much harder, and he had two meals on the line here. Moxxie took a shot himself, but went _way_ wide- loser.

“Wow, why do I even pay you?” Blitzo snickered, but Moxxie had a smug grin on his face- what was _that_ for?

“Just wait.”

“Wait for w- ooooh.” The shot had gone into a tree and dropped a huge branch down in front of the target, forcing her to waste vital time to veer around, and Millie took a shot- managing to hit the human’s back. She cheered, and Moxxie gave her a high-five, jogging past Blitzo.

“The _deal_ was for a headshot,” Blitzo said, taking aim again, but Moxxie had managed to reload and take another shot in the time Blitzo lifted his own gun- geez, had his reflexes really slowed _that_ much? No, he was probably just-

His stomach growled, more urgently this time, as the scent of blood carried in the dry Nevada air.

_Hungry._

Without thinking, Blitzo licked his lips, and Millie turned to him. “Guess you owe us a- Blitzo?”

“Yeah, yeah, fine, I owe you two dinner.” He waved his hand in her direction while he took a step forward, almost in a trance as the sand swirled up against his boots.

“You okay, sir?” Moxxie asked. “Because if you’re about to pass out, I’d rather we catch you before you bash your brains out on a rock.”

“ ‘M fine.” Blitzo kept half-stumbling forward until he was at the body. Definitely dead already, blood oozing from where the bullets had entered her back and skull and starting to trickle down into the sand. Good, clean shots, although bits of brain were still splattered all over the ground in front of her. He’d hired those two for a reason, after all. She was wearing a light blue tank top, and the thick, rich red was spreading over the back of it and clumping up her brown hair. He collapsed to his knees, running his fingers over the woman’s bare arm before dipping his index finger into the hole in her back, making a scooping motion and digging out a bit of the wet, metallic-scented flesh with his nail. It glistened in the sunlight, and he stared at it for a few seconds as one of them set a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t look up to see which one it was.

“Blitzo?” Millie, then. Her voice seemed to come from far away, and he blinked once before stuffing his finger in his mouth, along with the bit of meat. It tasted- well, like blood, he’d tasted blood before, but _richer,_ pulling out all the flavor and spinning it up until it was twice as intense and with a smoother, more palatable texture. Almost like a gummy bear, except instead of vodka it was juicy ichor.

“Sir, what the _fuck-_ ” That was Moxxie but Blitzo didn’t care as the baby gave a single nudge outwards in approval. He grabbed the arm at the shoulder, wrenching it off at the socket and splattering all three of them with thick, sticky blood.

The other imps’ words faded away as Blitzo’s teeth sank into the arm, tearing off of a mouthful and chewing. There was some dust on it already, but the salty-sweet metallic candy more than made up for it. The muscle was almost spongy, as she hadn’t had time to stiffen up yet. Blood dripped down his chin, and he swallowed, taking another bite and moaning as his stomach not only _didn’t_ reject it but urged him to keep going. “Oh, fuck yeah…”

 _“Please_ tell me you’re not getting off to this.”

“His hands aren’t anywhere _near_ his pants, honey.”

“Those things are tight, you don’t know what he can do if he’s motivated! His hips are moving a little!”

He was halfway through a fourth bite. Blitzo only half-registered Moxxie and Millie talking before his brain _yanked_ itself back to reality, and he dropped the arm.

“What in the piss-shitting _fuck-_ ”

“That’s what _I_ said!” Moxxie had his arms folded. “At least it wasn’t one of us.”

“C’mon, he wouldn’t hurt _us,_ ” Millie said, nudging him. “Maybe he just needed iron.”

“Yeah, maybe I just needed iron,” Blitzo echoed, looking down at himself and wincing. It wasn’t like he didn’t usually wear clothes that he could wash blood out of, but… yikes. “Nobody say anything about me going Hannibal on her ass, I don’t want any of those freaks from the Cannibal Colony showing up asking for tickets.”

Moxxie and Millie nodded in unison, and Blitzo wiped his mouth before standing back up.

“We just tell the client that we… I don’t know, tore off the arm before she died so she’d be in more pain, got it?”

“Works for me,” Millie said, and Moxxie nodded along with her.

Blitzo wiped his hand on his side to smear at least a little of the blood off before dialing Loona, and the other two headed over to a nearby piece of scrub to wait away from the smell. He glanced back at the body, and when his stomach growled again, he slid up the tank top, sliced off a piece of her side, and stuffed it in his coat pocket just in case, smearing a little more blood over his shirt as he gave his belly a pat.

It wasn’t like _she_ was using it anymore, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made something like this for a Halloween chapter for the fic on my main account, but I can put it in the main fic here because you all signed up for weird shit, _ha._ Any more chapters like this will still get the pre-chapter warning if you're squeamish and wanna skip, don't worry.
> 
> Anyone who skipped down to the author's note bc they don't like this kinda thing, Blitzo nommed a human lady's arm because baby wanted Meat, and that's all you missed.
> 
> Anyway, comments and kudos super appreciated as always!


	13. Stuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blitzo gets stuck.

“If you take a picture, I’m firing you.”

“Aww, it's not that bad. You have to find the humor in every situation, right?”

“Kind of hard to, right now.” Blitzo pushed at the wood again, and again just dug splinters into his sides. He swore his middle was pulsing, it felt warmer than usual but he hadn't dug in deep enough to be bleeding. “This kid is coming out on a _skewer.”_

“I’m sure we’ll find a way to get you out before then.” Moxxie’s tail flicked irritably, but a smirk was starting to spread across his face, and Blitzo wanted to rip it off by any means necessary, temper boiling his blood.

“Ha ha. Laugh at the pregnant guy. Jackasses.” He kicked his boots, but was no closer to getting out than he had been two minutes ago.

“I’ll go see if the target has any butter.” Millie paused. “Or lube.”

“ _Not_ how I thought I’d be hearing you talk about lube,” Blitzo muttered.

It had been a relatively simple job. A boss who’d overworked their client, and the client blamed his heart attack and overeating on the stress. The door had been bolted shut when they’d tried it, but part of it was under construction, so Moxxie and Millie had climbed in through the window and Blitzo had tried to wiggle through an exposed hole covered with a tarp.

It had been… smaller than it looked. Millie’s hips _definitely_ would have gotten stuck. Just his luck, he wanted to try the cool spy way to get in and his new gut got him wedged between ‘inside’ and ‘outside’. Plus, the client had said that the boss had bragged about his extensive gun collection, so they couldn’t just shoot Blitzo out and risk waking the guy up until he was restrained.

“Now, what have we learned about judging size?” Moxxie crouched down, and his grin had spread further across his freckled cheeks like an infection.

“Eat my ass, Moxx.” Blitzo planted his boots on the crunchy grass outside. “At least I’ve got it where it counts, 2-inch motherfucker.”

The imp blushed scarlet. “That’s- that’s not true and you know it! You- you-” He kept sputtering, and Blitzo bared his teeth in a smirk. 

“Fine. Prove it to me.”

Moxxie steeled himself and stood back up. “I’m going to go take care of the target, _you_ can wait here alone.”

“C’mon, I’m just fucking with- dammit.” And there went Moxxie too. Well, this was just peachy. Blitzo drummed his fingers on the floor, waiting for one of them to return. This one was supposed to be a poisoning, with pictures, so it was going to take at _least_ ten minutes.

At least it wasn’t cold. His shirt had gotten pulled up in the getting-stuck process, so his bare midriff was exposed to the thankfully lukewarm air. (Not to mention it had been pulling up every time he so much as _twitched_ from being too tight lately...) It’d just be a cherry on the cake if he was freezing his ass off on _top_ of said ass being exposed to any particularly curious or perverted onlooker. 

He had another meeting with Stolas tomorrow. The owl’d definitely be eager to know about the kid moving- Blitzo had kept it quiet over their calls just to tell him in person. Was it weird that he wanted to see the look on his face? If he got all pissy about it probably not being an owl because it wasn’t in an egg, though, Blitzo was… was…

Wasn’t like there was much he could _actually_ do, honestly, but he was sure as shit going to be annoyed about it. Little bastard was already starting to squirm up a storm every time Blitzo ate anything. They reeeeeeeally seemed to like meat. Not just human meat, although that was a favorite and it was nice he had an easy supply, but bacon, burgers, ham sandwiches...

“Found some!” Millie blinked, holding a yellow bottle of... something. “Where’s Moxxie?”

“Went to finish the overtiming rat off.” Blitzo made a ‘gimme’ motion. “What’d you get?”

“Spray butter! The kinds of things humans invent…” She clicked her tongue, popping the cap off and giving a few squirts as there was a yelp in the other room.

“Millie!”

“Coming!” She glanced over at Blitzo. “He might be a big guy, I’ll go-”

“Yeah, yeah, go help.” Blitzo motioned for her to give him the spray, and she tossed it over to him before sprinting over to the bedroom. He could squirt his own spray-butter.

It took half the damn bottle before either side gave, and Blitzo almost collapsed on his front before realizing _that_ would squash junior. He flopped over on his side instead, yanking up his now-greasy shirt to glare at the bump. “This is _your_ fault, you know.”

The bump didn’t respond for a few seconds, then made a little nudge outwards. “Yeah, I’m talking to you. Don’t think I haven’t noticed that some of that is soft.” He poked his side. “I didn’t say you could make me get fat enough to get stuck in a goddamn _wall._ You’re a troublemaker, aren’t you? Need soooooo much attention, like your bird-daddy.”

He hunched over himself in sullen silence, massaging his sore stomach until Moxxie and Millie returned. Moxxie was drying his hands on a towel. “So, you managed to get out?”

“No thanks to you.”

“Well, you did okay,” Moxxie said, clearly still a little snippy about the earlier dick-size comment.

“I got the pictures he wanted!” Millie waved her phone.

“Good, so we can count this as a success other than the splinters.” Blitzo pushed himself up, stretching before rummaging around in his jacket for his phone. “He make any funny faces?”

“We might have overdone the cyanide- he looked like he had a beard, it was foaming so much!” Millie laughed, flipping through the pictures like a scrapbook, and Blitzo grinned.

“Niiiice. And neither of you got your brains bashed out, I see.”

“He was a heavy sleeper- I managed to get him mostly tied up before he woke up,” Moxxie said. “He was a pretty skinny guy, it wasn’t hard.”

“Good Moxxie.” Blitzo ruffled Moxxie’s hair. “I’d hate to lose my weenie-dicked wonder.”

Moxxie’s eye twitched. “ _Sir,_ were it not for the-”

“Oooh, in this one it looks like he’s smiling!” Millie pushed her phone at Moxxie, who sighed before looking, mouth twitching up in a bit of a smile.

“Huh, he really does.”

Blitzo texted Loona to open the portal for them, but until she did, they ended up just huddled over Millie’s phone, looking through the pictures both of the kill and of whatever random things she’d happened to take pictures of in the last week, including several blurry shots of Moxxie’s butt that he tried to cover the screen for instead of letting Blitzo see.

Even though he was stuck rubbing lotion on his middle for half an hour after they got back, Blitzo counted it as a good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Mayberry's death day! Might be a little more than a week for the next update just because I'm a little stuck and also in a _really_ busy January class that's cramming a semester of reading and responses into three weeks.
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated, as always!


	14. Sip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blitzo tells Stolas something new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, the instas will be considered loose canon for OT from now on- I may pick and choose from them since there _is_ some stuff I really liked, but not having to keep as-strict track of potentially contradicting them will be nice. Well, this one took a while. The class was more intense than I expected, and some personal stuff happened. But I'm back now! On we go!

Blitzo flopped back on his bed with an annoyed grunt as his shirt refused to tug down far enough to cover his stomach. The only things that actually _fit_ properly were his hoodies, actually- everything else was too damn tight. Curse his fashionable sensibilities!

Stolas had insisted on meeting in person again for today. _Unfortunately_ , Blitzo had only fully realized that he was starting to get too big for his closet when one of the buttons had popped on his jacket, and Millie had pointed out that his turtleneck had started riding up. He couldn’t really tug his pants up to cover it without looking like a dweeb, so…

Blitzo sighed, sorting through his hoodies before settling on the pink off-shoulder sweater. It was loose enough to make the bump much less obvious, _without_ having to draw too much attention to himself or wear something Stolas gave him. It was a Wednesday, so hopefully, the café wouldn’t be _too_ busy.

_________________

“Ah, there you are!” Stolas waved, grinning as Blitzo nodded back at him.

“Hey.”

“So, any news?” He lifted a small fabric bag. “I brought some teas, to help with nausea.”

Blitzo snatched the bag, peering inside. “Considering the coffee I can drink has been watered down to piss, I might as well give it a try to have _something_.”

“That’s the spirit!” Stolas dropped down into a booth in the back corner. There was a general bustle around them, but other than a few glances at Stolas, nobody really seemed to be paying them _that_ much attention. Blitzo had a pair of handguns in holsters just in case anybody got any funny ideas, though. “Now, what’s the news?”

“Well…” Blitzo glanced around before tugging on the bottom of his sweater. “The kid’s started getting weird-ass cravings.”

“Oh? What kind?” Stolas waved over to an employee.

“Flesh, mostly,” Blitzo said, picking at the dirt under his nails and flicking it under the table as a teenager in a stained apron came over. Stolas ordered some fancy-sounding drink for both of them, and when the employee started to say something about how they were supposed to order at the front, Stolas waved a fistful of bills. He grabbed them and stuffed them in the apron pocket, hurrying over to the counter.

“Flesh? Interesting… well, tell me if you need any recipes, the chefs have some _fascinating_ ways to cook meat. What kind of flesh?”

“Any, but human especially.”

Stolas couldn’t help a little laugh. “I take it you take care of those urges _after_ you finish a job?”

Blitzo’s fingers tightened into a fist, and a low growl started in his chest. “It’s not like-”

“No, no, I’m not insulting you- it’s quite lucky you have the job that you do if that’s what they want, that’s all!” Stolas looked down at Blitzo. “I’d love to see those humans _scream_ if you chose to just rip their throat out instead of taking them out how you usually do.” His eyes flashed. “You can get quite _wild_ when so inclined.”

“Yeah, tell me something I don’t already know.”

“Why don’t you?”

“Why don’t I what?” Blitzo raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms, and Stolas tapped his forehead right on the symbol with a slender finger.

“Tell me something that I don’t already know,” Stolas replied, bemused. “That’s what these meetings are for, aren’t they?”

“Oh, right. Right!” Blitzo cleared his throat. “Well-”

“Here you go!” The employee set down two lidded cups, and Stolas shooed him away.

“You were saying?” He raised the cup to his beak.

“Before that pimple-faced puberty bomb interrupted us, I was _going_ to say that the kid started moving.”

Stolas spat the scalding-hot tea directly into Blitzo’s face, slamming the cup down on the table. “They _what?”_

Blitzo scrubbed at it, tongue slithering out as it soaked the pink fabric of the sleeve. Peachy. “Give a guy some fucking warning, won’t you? I don’t need your birdy backwash!”

“They- they _moved?”_ All four of Stolas’s eyes were blown wide open and he shifted in the booth, feathery ass squeaking as he scooted down the shiny seat until Blitzo was about to be squeezed off the edge. Considering he’d started sweating again, his slippery ass just might have if Stolas hadn’t managed to stop himself in time.

“Personal space, much?”

“I- I assumed they’d be an egg, but of course, imps are live births, aren’t they?” Blitzo wasn’t sure if there was any disappointment in Stolas’s tone, but his hands were shaking before wrapping around the bump, pressing the pink fabric firmly around it to mold to the shape. Not for the first time, Blitzo realized just how _big_ those hands were- everything about the guy was huge, including the manic grin spreading across his face as Stolas bent over him. “Can you make them do it again?”

“They do whatever the hell they want, I can’t control- oh, huh.” As if summoned, the little squirt nudged outwards, and Stolas’s fingers tightened. “Don’t _pop_ ‘em, I am _not_ making another one.”

“They’re moving… that’s _incredible,”_ Stolas breathed. Blitzo glanced around- people were _definitely_ staring now, and he reached around Stolas’s stick arms for one of the guns, waving it at anyone who ogled for too long.

“Don’t you all have your _own_ fuckin’ lives to ruin?”

“Oh, Blitzy, don’t be so melodramatic, this is good! It means they’re healthy!” Stolas’s grin turned cheeky. “I notice you’re in a new outfit. Are your old clothes not fitting? I _do_ like seeing you in something fresh…”

“Yeah, well, I have a specific fashion taste and baby gut doesn’t exactly play nice with clothes that show off my bod.”

“I think it looks darling,” Stolas said, snapping the strap of the black tank peeking out from underneath.

“Stolas!” Blitzo hissed.

“Blitzy,” Stolas replied, setting his chin in his hand. “Is there anything _else_ you’ve been keeping from me, my little imp?”

Blitzo furiously re-adjusted the strap. The tank rode the hell up now, but it just felt too weird to wear the sweater without it. “That was the big one.” After Stolas had offered tea for the nausea, there was no real need to bring up the vomiting. He tried to think of it as little as possible the second after it ended anyway.

“Why didn’t you tell me on one of our calls?”

“Figured you’d want to hear the ‘big news’,” (here Blitzo waggled his fingers) “In person.”

“Oh, Blitzy...” His smile melted a little, earnest.

Blitzo grabbed his cup, chugging about half of it in one go before sputtering. “What _is_ this?”

“Oh, it’s a favorite of mine! Do you like it?”

Swallowing down the rest of it in his throat, Blitzo swished saliva around in his mouth before taking another tentative sip. “Well, it tastes better the second time.”

“You’re not supposed to drink it all at once.”

“I don’t need a fussy-ass drink.”

“Some things are more rewarding if you’re willing to wait,” Stolas said, taking a sip of his own. “How goes your job otherwise? Anything interesting besides cannibalizing your kills?”

“There _was_ this one guy who ended up slipping in a puddle of his own piss…”

The rest of the meeting ended up being Blitzo just laughing about particularly idiotic targets and how IMP took them out, but at least Stolas was a half-decent listener. Blitzo already knew that he was a regular client sometimes, but he really seemed invested in the nitty-gritties of just how they went through the process of elimination. Stolas ended up scribbling the drink order down on a napkin ‘in case you ever decide you want some while thinking of me, Blitzy’, and the kid didn’t kick at all on the walk home.

By the time Blitzo was settled back on his bed, they made a single little push outwards, and he found himself absently rubbing his side next to the bump. “Yeah, yeah. I hear you, kid. We’ll get some popcorn later.”

A smile twitched at his face as he imagined the movement afterward was from their hand and they were giving him a little high-five.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have this very, very cute [pic of the kid and Blitzo from Fruit](https://hazbincalifornia.tumblr.com/post/639801829330501632/bittenfroot-submitted-its-nothing-crazy-but), and [here's Em's tag again](https://hazbincalifornia.tumblr.com/tagged/em). Next update will almost certainly be within the week because I'm pretty sure I'm gonna use something I already have saved for it- a _spicy_ something. ;p
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated, as always!


	15. Conception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blitzo's a little blitzed, Stolas picks him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flashback time! Figured I should throw in how Baby even got here. I suppose this should be called dubcon since Blitzo isn't fully sober. (He's not _super_ drunk, to be clear, he _does_ know what he's doing, buuut is definitely tipsy.) To be safe, (and because I don't know if canon-typical violence should count under 'graphic depictions of violence') I switched the warning to 'creator chose not to use archive warnings' and added a minor dubcon tag. Also, warnings for large insertion because of the size difference and mild cum inflation. 
> 
> Time to explain how imp anatomy works in this fic! Long story short, they've got both a vagina-esque entrance _and_ a somewhat flexible kinda tentacle-like cock that slides out of the top of that entrance upon arousal. Any of you who hung around Homestuck nsfw areas, you might have seen something similar since it's a fairly common headcanon over there if I remember right. It just made things easier for this fic, so I yoinked it. Stolas keeps calling it slimy and they're not human, so I can do what I want. 
> 
> Anyway, on we go!

It hadn’t even been a full moon. Blitzo had been… well, a bit blitzed. He’d had a few drinks, and had accidentally texted Stolas instead of Loona like he usually did. By the time he realized his mistake, Stolas had been halfway there, and promised to take good care of him. Weeeeeelllllll... Loona had _said_ she was going to be busy tonight and might be late anyway, hadn’t she? Stolas decided to take him to a hotel instead of back to his apartment- and one of the _good_ hotels, too, not the ones that always smelled like piss with bugs in the pillowcases. There was a chandelier of all goddamn things on the ceiling, who _put_ those in guest rooms that _didn’t_ have enough money to use it to wipe their ass with? The bed had a canopy too, and velvety pillows that were a deep, luscious blue.

Blitzo slid bonelessly out of Stolas’s arms, curling up on the heavenly comforter. “Oh, hell yeah…”

“Are you alright?” Stolas turned him over, index finger tilting Blitzo’s chin up. “You’re flushed.”

“Don’ worry ‘bout me, I’m great.” Blitzo grinned. “I can handle waaaaay more than that.”

“I’m sure you can. My strong little imp.” Stolas stretched himself out on the bed next to Blitzo, watching him with his chin in his hands. His eyes were glowing, and Blitzo watched, mesmerized, as they blinked one by one.

“It smells like- like-” he couldn’t quite pull to mind what it smelled like. Not flowers, not fire, not cleaning supplies… some kind of perfume, maybe?

Stolas sniffed the air, before rolling over and rummaging around in the drawer. He pulled out a small box and a little bottle with a red cap. The box, when Blitzo opened it, contained chocolates, and he immediately stuffed three of them in his mouth.

“Mmmm…”

“Compliments of the hotel, I’m sure. As is this.” The bottle, Blitzo realized when Stolas popped open the cap, was lube.

Blitzo swallowed down his chocolates. “So _that’s_ why you got a hotel instead of taking me home.” Not that he hadn't figured it as soon as they'd taken a wrong turn. Not that he hadn't figured it as soon as Stolas had _showed up,_ honestly. But he vaguely remembered that the guy had cleaned him up once without getting any when he was _way_ more drunk a while ago, so if Blitzo _really_ wanted to say no...

“I didn’t want to bother your hellhound. Besides...” Stolas chuckled. “You were turned on as soon as you left the dance floor, I could _feel_ it. I just want to help.”

“...Shut up,” Blitzo muttered, grabbing another piece of chocolate and tossing it into his mouth. “Some hot dude was grinding on me, what was I _supposed_ to do, turn it off like a faucet?”

“No, it just warmed you up for me,” Stolas purred, his hand slipping down the front of Blitzo’s pants before grinning in delight. “I knew it, you’re _still_ turned on! Being around me just does that, doesn’t it?”

“Fuck off,” Blitzo kicked at the bed, but Stolas used the motion to tug Blitzo’s pants down, underwear and all. They caught on the imp’s boots and dragged fluid all the way down Blitzo's legs, making the whole bed stink of arousal. He groaned, exposed. “Ughhh, will you just _fuck_ me already?”

“You’re not in the mood for pounding this?” Stolas teasingly tugged at his own pants along his hip.

“No, I just want something hard and long grinding my insides to paste.” Blitzo threw a hand over his forehead, one hand dipping down to dig his fingers into his already-wet entrance.

“Ohoho! We’re switching things up a little tonight, then!” Stolas said, squeezing Blitzo’s thigh and removing his boots to slide his pants the rest of the way off before peeling his own off. “How to do this?”

“C’mon, you have a daughter, you know how these fucks work,” Blitzo said, pushing himself up.

“Oh, you mean-” Stolas set his spindly fingers against Blitzo’s slit, making the imp’s toes curl up even as he pulled back away. Teasing bastard. "You haven't offered before."

“Y-yeah, that.”

“I suppose I should look for a condom for me, then.”

“C’mon, imps and… and...“ The name escaped him. Stolas had only mentioned it a few times. “And _you guys_ can’t have kids, right?”

“It’s _incredibly_ rare,” Stolas said, rummaging around in the dresser where he’d found the lube and sighing when the only one in there was clearly far too small as he held it up. "Not that you wouldn't look fetching with child, but it's very unlikely. Doubly so, considering you enjoy alcohol and drugs."

“And you haven’t gotten an STD since I fucked you last, right?”

“Right,” Stolas replied, bemused.

“Then just go for it. I _want_ you, you smug feathery bastard, alright?” Blitzo said, smothering his blushing face in one of the velvety pillows. "Don't make me say it twice." He heard a chuckle.

“I heard you, Blitzy.”

Stolas’s fingers dug into Blitzo’s thighs as he parted the legs before sliding between them. Blitzo could feel Stolas’s feathery hips tickling the inside of his knees as the owl poured some of the lube onto his hand and began to slick up his cock. The wet squelches were driving Blitzo nuts, and he peered through the pillow to see Stolas watching him with a big dumb grin, head tilted to take in Blitzo in his entirety.

“Yeah, I look good like this, don’t I?” Blitzo gave a lazy grin of his own back, tossing the pillow away to get a better look at the hot bird about to plow him. At least Stolas _was_ pretty damn attractive. He could feel his cock stirring inside, but Stolas pressed his tip to the entrance and pushed in just a bit, wiping out all other thoughts from Blitzo’s mind.

“You do,” Stolas cooed. “All laid out like this, like you were made for me… now, tell me what you want me to do, my little imp.” He refused to move until Blitzo tried to wiggle him further in, tail thumping the bed in frustration.

“Fuck me like you mean it.”

“Gladly,” Stolas half-grunted, slamming his hips forward and getting a _howl_ out of Blitzo. “You like that?”

“Yyyyyeah.” Blitzo dragged the word out, half-drooling and too overwhelmed by the sheer size to gather his thoughts into anything even _resembling_ coherency. Stolas pushed in further, and Blitzo glanced down, eyes widening when he realized he could see a slight bulge in his middle.

If Stolas tried to fuck somebody Moxxie’s size, they’d probably just explode. Stolas paused again, but Blitzo was burning now, and needed the owl to keep moving or he was going to _lose his goddamn mind._

“Oh, Blitzy-” Stolas was cut off as Blitzo fumbled for- and proceeded to grab- his arm, yanking him down into a sloppy kiss before trying to buck his hips up.

“I said, like you _mean_ it,” Blitzo almost growled, and there was a gleam in Stolas’s eyes as he moved his hands to dig into Blitzo’s waist, lifting him up to get a better position. Red fingers dug into the sheets as he folded his legs behind Stolas’s back, half-resting them on the owl’s tail as his own cock lazily emerged from the top of his entrance, rubbing up against what remained outside of Stolas’s length.

“A-aaah…” Stolas moaned in near-unison with Blitzo.

“That’s it, that’s it, come on…!” Blitzo chanted, feeling overstuffed and overwhelmed but it still wasn’t quite enough yet, he needed more. Stolas kept going, nails carving into Blitzo's sides as time swirled away. The booze dulled some of the ache that came from taking Stolas and made the chandelier glitter like a thousand Earth stars. He wasn't sure if it was just him, or the rocking of the bed was _actually_ making the crystal shiver above them.

“I’m going to-” Stolas started, but Blitzo kept his legs locked behind the prince’s waspish waist.

“Finish inside or you’re a pussy,” he hissed, wanting to feel _everything,_ and Stolas did with a cry, filling Blitzo with pump after pump of seed. Blitzo twitched weakly in his arms, moaning out ‘yeaaaaaaah’ before slumping back on the pillow.

After a minute, Stolas gingerly pulled out, wrapping his fingers around Blitzo’s cock and giving it a few solid jerks, fingertips pressing hard against the slick surface. The imp was already on the edge and came almost immediately, spurting into Stolas’s stomach feathers with a muffled scream into his hands.

“Haven’t done that in a while!” Stolas proclaimed cheerfully, although he was still panting a little.

“Don’t go…” Blitzo’s voice was distant, and he cleared his throat, shaking his head to try and pull himself back up. “Don’t go expecting that. It’s a once-in-a-while thing. ‘Cause I know you." He paused. " _And_ you can’t knock me up.”

"Fine by me." Stolas dabbed at his middle with the blanket before doing the same to between Blitzo’s legs. There wasn’t as much cum on the blankets as could be reasonably expected- in fact, when he wiped down Blitzo’s thighs, it seemed like it had mostly remained inside of him, with only a small dribble snaking its way down.

Blitzo stared up at the ceiling as Stolas hummed while cleaning them both up, feeling the owl prince teasingly tap his slightly-bloated stomach.

“Ugh… don’t make me barf. You’re huge and you cum a lot.”

“You asked for it.” Stolas playfully flicked at Blitzo’s tail, pressing a kiss to the tip of his cock and grinning at the little whine Blitzo bit back. “It suits you.”

Blitzo turned over, not bothering to pull his underwear back on. He heard the toilet flush in the bathroom, but didn't want to get off the warm, cozy bed to bother and piss the way he probably should have. A minute later, he felt Stolas slide into his arms, before drifting off to a dreamless sleep.

When he woke up the next morning, he still felt a little bloated and sore, but brushed it off as too much shitty club food and didn't think twice. The whole night was kind of a blur of pleasure anyway. At least what he could remember had been pretty damn good, so it was probably better than just getting dropped off at home.

Wasn't like it was really going to matter by tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love these dumbasses with all my heart.
> 
> I _do_ remember that Blitzo said in the first chapter that Stolas was the one to want it. Half-remembering the night means he just kinda blamed Stolas for their Situation automatically instead of admitting he's the idiot who wanted to get hit raw because he was really, really horny.
> 
> Comments and kudos super appreciated! Especially on this one, this is actually my first time actually incorporating smut into a multi-chapter fic. And there _is_ still more to come down the line. ;)


End file.
